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When the center cannot hold

A couple days ago as I was heading out to the con, I skimmed across one of the multitude of facebook memes out there. I'm not even sure who was answering the questions now, but one of them caught my eye. It asked the person to list when they had last cried. As I was driving, I thought about it for a moment. The last time I had cried was ages ago, years and years. I remember thinking to myself that despite everything that had happened in my life, at least I wasn't crying about it. If I went to answer the meme today, the answer would be a couple minutes ago and off and on since around 3-4 hours ago.

Life hasn't been easy or pleasant for me. I don't even want to talk about all the dreams killed and parts of my life ruined. I've tried to hold it together the only way I know how, by trying to grow a thicker skin. The only way I could keep everything at bay was to try to push it back and tell myself I didn't care. To basically be grumpy and callous about it, and build a wall around myself in which I could try to save what little I had left. Earlier today, that all went to pot.

I've never had all that many people close to me in my life, or even all that many friends in general. When I was young it was because or shyness or never knowing how to be social and let people in. As I grew older, it was more about keeping people at a distance. Only those who are friends or who are close to you can really hurt you. As things have gotten worse in my life, the wall only grew thicker. I had already lost so much and it was like I was hoarding what little was left.

I had a really unpleasant conversation with a friend today and it just cut right through me. It went like a hot knife through butter and I'm still feeling raw and turned inside out. It made me look at my life and realize just how little I have and how that is probably just lies anyway. Everything just seems pointless. If I could, I really wish I could just put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I just can't deal with it. What's the point of trekking another day through this god awful miserable pointless piece of shit of a life? I wish I were dead.

I never cried through all of the medical issues and the disability, mostly because I just tried not to look at it. Everyone talks about the social stigma of my condition and I've always tried as best I could to keep it under wraps. How I've wished it could have been cancer or something instead. All I could do was try to dam up all of my feelings and not think of it. It's all flooded over now and I just can't deal with it. The tears aren't stopping anytime soon and I wonder if I'll ever get the cork back in the dam. What's the point of going on.

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