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Existential dread: 90%

I've been feeling pretty awful lately. It's really no surprise that my life in general has been backsliding for a number of years. Ever since disability became a necessity, I more or less gave up, though it's been a steady decline rather than a rapid one. At first I still had something close to a life but bit by bit it's all rotted and blown away. For the most part, I've managed to avoid any self-reflection. I've kept myself busy with trivialities. I've read, I've listened to audiobooks, I've spent innumerable hours playing ridiculous facebook games and I've invested my time and energy in all those so I didn't have to look at the emptiness. What it comes down to in the end is that when looking in the mirror I see a wasted life. What is that quote that slips my mind at the moment? Something like great potential to no great purpose? Everything tastes like ashes.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
smallvictories
Nov. 9th, 2009 09:00 pm (UTC)
are you playing farmville?

also, you're not dying, right? you mentioned once that your health problems aren't terminal, at least. is there anything you could do from home? study via correspondence courses or even work?
henwy
Nov. 10th, 2009 10:09 am (UTC)
No, I'm not playing farmville.

And no, I'm not dying. About the only way I could die from this is if I somehow became hugely immunosurpressed and that's unlikely to happen. It's just mostly teh suck without any accompanying chance for becoming a corpsicle. At least cancer is usually nice and clean. Not to mention there's a ribbon for it too.
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