MELBOURNE, Australia - Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard a passenger plane in Australia, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights, the airline said Thursday.

A reptile expert searched for the 6-inch-long snakes but did not find them. It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed.

In the meantime, the plane missed two flights it had been scheduled to fly and the passengers were transferred to other flights.

When the snakes were not found, the airplane was fumigated and it returned to service on Wednesday.

You just know these things are going to turn up in someone's luggage or something.

I thought I'd share a little tidbit of information about me. Coming as I do from a chinese family, I've probably eaten assorted animal bits that don't normally cross the dinner plates of my whitey western friends. None of this is exotic really. It's not eating new and interesting animals as much as munching the parts of animals that most people already eat but simply not those bits. We're talking here about chicken feet or tripe or the odd chunk of ear or heart or what have you. Now, I've been spending a good bit of time watching Andrew Zimmerman's show, Bizarre Foods, on the travel network lately. The entire idea is he travels around eating the nastiest crap he can find. It's like a one man fear factor though he tries to blow smoke up your ass by telling you that he believes that the way we can bring the entire world together is through experiencing one another's food. I'm just not sure that we could get Osama and George Bush to reenact hands across America simply by putting a table of pigs feet and camel humps between them.

Anyway, I'm pretty stoic about most of the things he eats. You couldn't pay me to consume most of it, though not necessarily because of the taste but it doesn't usually disgust me. It's just that he ends up buying shit from these open markets where there are probably more maggots per square inch than camel fuckers in iraq. The idea of spending my time squatting over a third world toilet for the next 16 hours is about as unpleasant way to spend my time as I can imagine. I'm getting a bit far afield here. The point is that I usually don't have any huge bias against what people around the world choose to eat or not eat. It's pretty ethnocentric and arrogant of us to turn up our nose at the idea that some people out there might want to eat guinea pigs or donkeys or whatever. That being the case, I've known for some time that I do have one red line that just cannot be crossed.

Turtles.

I cannot stand the idea of people eating turtles. I imagine for most people asked this question they would say dogs or cats and I'm not sure exactly why the idea of killing and eating a turtle so offends me. I don't just find it repulsive but morally reprehensible. There's just something incredibly repugnant about the idea to me. I'm sure part of it stems from the fact that I had a couple turtles as a kid. They were some of my very first pets and I still remember them very fondly. I still think about Tommy the Turtle occasionally. My sisters and I used to dig up my mom's garden looking for earthworms to feed to him. I was heartbroken when he finally ended up escaping.

Yes, you read correctly. My turtle ran away and vanished. We had him in a bucket and there was a monsoon of a deluge outside. When I went to check on him after the storm, the bucket was full of water and Tommy was gone.

Now, it's not just the fact that I had a turtle as a pet that can explain my visceral reaction against eating them. I mean, I've had dogs and gerbils and even a guinea pig for a couple days (another escape story), but I could see eating them in the right circumstance. Not them particularly, but another member of their species I wasn't personally attacked to. Turtles just seem more helpless to me. It doesn't take anything to hunt down a turtle and there's just no chance for them to get away. It also doesn't help that many turtles are endangered. I keep thinking that they have enough problems to deal with that they don't need the fact that there are some sick assholes out there turning them into soup and shit. Eat a fucking cow, you twat waffles. There are god damn cows everywhere. Leave the turtles alone.

This is probably about as close as I'm ever going to get to some sort of hippie agenda. If you're ever going to throw something like this back in my face, I'd bookmark this page since it's likely to be the only example.

I'm not sure what's the most appalling thing about this video, the fact that the song is probably a #1 hit or that the video is probably the reception of an Arab wedding. The guy's obviously dancing with his new bride.

There are some stories you just can't help but wish a video camera had been filming for. Preferably with a Benny Hill-esque sound track going in the background. Then again, I'm probably being overly optimistic. I just like the idea of it running around completely enflamed.

JONES, Okla. -- A squirrel caught fire, sparking a blaze Wednesday morning that resulted in the evacuation of an elementary school in Jones, fire officials said.

Investigators said the squirrel touched two power lines at the same time and fell to the ground near Britton and Hiawassee roads.

That fire burned 5 acres in the Jones area, forcing the evacuation of the elementary school. Those students were taken to Jones High School.

I can't help but think there could be a weapon system somewhere in this. I figure we can coat any future squirrels with some flame retardant gel and then with napalm. We light them all on fire and then fire them out of a canon into enemy territory. There would have to be some system that lets them land safely and then they could run around in a frenzy setting the local brush on fire. The resulting smoke would provide cover for the movement of infantry in the area.

Now, this obviously wouldn't work in an urban area. Well, not until our scientists discover a way for squirrels to set fire to concrete. Still, it could be very useful in the brush or woodland areas.

The above was just one of the entries at last year's Super Groom contest in Las Vegas, a competition to transform your dog into something worthy of ridicule. I just don't understand how something like this didn't win. It wasn't even the runner up according to news accounts of the event.

Myra Macia, of Texas, took first place by turning her standard poodle, Peach Cobbler, into a Poodle Rider motorcycle. Katherine Ray was second with her depiction of a horse sculpted into her poodle's fur. They beat Carmon Baker's dog Missy, who looked like mutt-on dressed as lamb with fishnet stockings, high-heeled pixie boots and a powder pink top.

Man, now I want a Leonardoodle. It'd be worth it just to walk it down the street and see people's reactions.

'Sex pest' seal attacks penguin

An Antarctic fur seal has been observed trying to have sex with a king penguin.

The South African-based scientists who witnessed the incident say it is the most unusual case of mammal mating behaviour yet known.

The incident, which lasted for 45 minutes and was caught on camera, is reported in the Journal of Ethology.

The bizarre event took place on a beach on Marion Island, a sub-Antarctic island that is home to both fur seals and king penguins.

Why the seal attempted to have sex with the penguin is unclear. But the scientists who photographed the event speculate that it was the behaviour of a frustrated, sexually inexperienced young male seal.

Equally, it might be been an aggressive, predatory act; or even a playful one that turned sexual.

"At first glimpse, we thought the seal was killing the penguin," says Nico de Bruyn, of the Mammal Research Institute at the University of Pretoria, South Africa.

The brazenness of the seal's behaviour left those who saw it in no doubt as to what was happening.

The 100kg seal first subdued the 15kg penguin by lying on it.

The penguin flapped its flippers and attempted to stand and escape - but to no avail.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin, and thrusting its pelvis, trying to insert itself, unsuccessfully.

After 45 minutes the seal gave up, swam into the water and then completely ignored the bird it had just assaulted, the scientists report.

I can just imagine the penguin limping back to his friends to tell this story. 'And those fucking scientists just stood there and took fucking pictures!' And some people think there's moral ambiguity about documentary filmmakers not interceding to help animals about to be eaten. I'd love to see someone show up at the next PETA rally against clubbing seals dressed in a giant penguin suit and holding up a sign that says, 'PETA supports rape'.

Speaking of PETA, I just ran across a news story where a band of their merry nutjobs is trying to get the jockey of the Kentucky derby horse that had to be put down arrested. Riiiigght. As if the guy somehow intended to lame and then lose a multi-million dollar race horse and threaten his own career in the process. They put out some hugeass list of demands that no one will pay any attention to. That will no doubt cause them to pout and then stage some ridculous event where they throw horse blood on people. Every one of those morons should be dragged out into the street and shot.