I'm feeling a bit like crap warmed over at the moment. I managed to stab myself with the autoinjector on only the 3rd or 4th try this time around which is a marked improvement for me. Give it another month and I might even be able to do it on the first go around.

Right after the pop 'n stab though I had another runin with that weird tingly feeling and thus couldn't sleep. I should probably run it by a doctor at some point since I'm still not sure it's formication. The problem is that I'm not sure I could accurately describe the issue anyway. It's not even exactly a tingling, though I'll be damned if I can come up with a more descriptive word for it. The only thing I do know is it's damned unpleasant and seems to be occurring with more frequency of late. As if I need more screwy things and potential medical whozits in my life.

Oh, I should mention that I did finally pull the trigger and got a hotel room for Origins and also faxed in my badge application. I waited until pretty much the last minute but decided to go through with it. I have no clue how it'll go but I'm pretty sure if this trip ends in disaster, it'll be my last Origins for a while. I tried to register for events online today but it seems that my profile hasn't been updated yet. I rang GAMA and it seems that the person who handles that sort of thing has been out sick for the entire week. I guess no one else in the office can do data entry. If I'm lucky, they'll sort it out in the next few days before event registration completely shuts down. The guy on the phone was a bit vague about when that would be, speculating that it could be some time next week. Oh well.

I still loathe the auto-injector. It takes forever to actually inject myself with it because I can't bring myself to hit the damn button. It's a case of running right up to the line and then stopping, only to back away slowly before taking another run at it a few minutes later. I probably have to make around a dozen attempts before I actually push through and do it. The annoying part is it's not even that the pain is so unbearable as much as it's that startle reflex. The idea of pushing something that pops a painful needle into your skin is incredibly daunting. It's like the difference between having someone chop your head off and pulling the rope on the guillotine yourself. For some reason, it's easier to just let someone else do it rather than be responsible for the action.

I will say on the plus side that it doesn't seem as painful as it was during earlier injections. Maybe I just picked a good spot on the leg this time or something but it certainly didn't hurt as much as the first time. It's still not pleasant by any means and involves some gritted teeth for 15 seconds or so, but it's not the worst thing in the world. Hell, if I didn't have to do it and it was just pain that came to me out of the blue every 3 days, I think I could happily integrate it into my life. Hell, sudden stabbing pains is practically my middle name, or at least it used to be back before all of my drugs took the edge off of it. Now, sharp and stabby pain has mostly been replaced by more achy chronic issues. At least I no longer end up having to bury my face in a pillow and scream obscenities.

I'm still not sure how it's going to go with this autoinjector. Either I'm going to get used to it and doing it will become less of a problem with time or the fear of the startle reflex is going to potentate and it won't be long before I'll just be mentally unable to push that button no matter how many times I try. There's really no way to tell which way it'll go just yet.

The auto-injector pen sucks ass. Just as I suspected, it hurt like a sonofabitch. I had to practically be forced to inject myself with it and then I immediately regretted having done so. The damn thing burned like crazy. The self-injection was never near this bad. I'm already dreading the next one of these injections and the worst part is I have a fucking month's supply of this shit. That means I'm stuck with it until then when can switch back over to syringes.

I went online and found all sorts of contradictory advice to boot. I found people who said it hurt like a bitch in the leg so they tried the stomach and it was better. Just as many people claimed it hurt like a bitch in the stomach so they tried the leg and that was better. About the only thing that everyone seems to agree on is that the autoinjector hurts like a bitch.

I am not a happy camper.

A couple of years ago I was on the drug Enbrel for around a month or two. The doctor thought it might help my issues and there had been some clinical trials that seemed promising at the time. I went through a lot of shit to even take the drug due to the fact that prior exposure to a hospital had left me with some TB spores. At the time, the only way I could get the drug was through a clinical trial being run at Penn and I ended up having to schlep my way there a few times only to be told in the end that I didn't qualify for their study. After that, it was a whole another issue with trying to get some of the Enbrel through the pharmaceutical company's compassionate use program since I didn't have medical insurance at the time and off-label use of the stuff ran thousands a month. I finally got the meds, got over the whole aversion to needles enough to self-inject and absolutely nothing happened. To say I was pissed about it is an understatement. As far as I could tell, it had no beneficial effects at all.

So there's the background story to the fact that I've got more god damn Enbrel in my fridge right now. They just came up with a larger injection dose and the doctor wants me to give it another whirl as a pre-treatment for other drugs in the same class. She had me running through hoops trying to get back on the compassionate use program but it turns out that medicaid covers the whole thing and doesn't even care what you're using it for. I swear to God the poor and destitute in this country really know how to live it up. Anyway, I've got around 8 syringes of the crap sitting next to the sliced american cheese and I only just got around to opening one up. Instead of the syringes I was expecting, there were a set of auto-syringes in the box. No doubt these are more costly and preferred by people but they freak me the hell out. I don't like the idea of having to push a button and knowing that a needle is going to jab out stabbing me in the leg. WTF? If I had to choose, I at least prefer to be the one controlling the needle. I just know that 'click' sound is going to give me a mini anxiety attack each time. I had to brace myself when injecting the needle myself. God only knows how much worse it'll be having to depend on a spring and some clockwork.

The worst part about this is I'll bet this drug has no damn effect again. It's shitty to know that you have to stab yourself twice a week only so you can prep for stabbing yourself with something else. The best part of this that the strongest of the three drugs is IV only, can only be done in a hospital, and takes 3 hours a shot. How's that for something to look forward to? Feh.