October 28th, 2005

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The corpse of halloween

Body hanging from tree mistaken for Halloween decoration

Friday, October 28, 2005; Posted: 2:06 a.m. EDT (06:06 GMT)

FREDERICA, Delaware (AP) -- The apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said.

The 42-year-old woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said.

The body, suspended about 15 feet above the ground, could be easily seen from passing vehicles.

State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday but dismissed it as a holiday prank. Authorities were called to the scene more than three hours later.

"They thought it was a Halloween decoration," Fay Glanden, wife of Mayor William Glanden, told The (Wilmington) News Journal.

"It looked like something somebody would have rigged up," she said.

Welp, I sincerely hope this wasn't one of those cry for help deals where she figured that people, upon seeing her hang herself, would run over and save her in the nick of time. If it was, the timing for it was obviously a poor choice. Isn't it fun that there are always fun lynching stories right around halloween? I still remember last year's hoopla when some people claimed that a halloween decoration of a frankenstein hanging from a tree (one that had been displayed for years in various forms I might add) looked like a lynching of a black man to some whacked up passerbys. Of course then you had some radical black supremecist group and the rest of the wank squad rushing in to denounce the racial insensitivity that would have someone put up a halloween decoration that some idiots would perceive as being a hate crime. Thank god the homeowner didn't also use "niggardly" in a sentence. God only knows what would have happened then. It's too bad that defending your property with deadly force law hadn't been passed yet. I would have laughed my head off if these people had gotten a a shotgun shell each in the forehead.

Still, in this case you have to wonder how much longer she would have hung there if she had simply dressed in oversized overalls, wore a mask and a giant straw hat strapped to her head, and then stuffed her clothes with straw and had some of it hanging out. Of course, as we see with the example above, she would have had to have a casper mask just in case. No one could have a problem with hanging whitey after all. With the dip in the temperature, I figure decomposition would have been slowed to a crawl and she might have been up there for a week or so before someone realized it wasn't a halloween scarecrow.

Halloween just isn't what it used to be, even in the suburbs. Sad really. It was a general holiday back when I was a kid with people streaming about all over collecting candy and having fun. Now, most halloweens are like a ghost town of sorts as everyone goes to individual little parties indoors and there's no one on the streets. The obsession with safety and crap has killed what was always one of my favorite times of the year when I was a kid. A large part of the fun was roaming the streets to collect candy with friends and meeting up with other groups of kids and just being out a lot later than you should have been.

Oh well, I guess kids are still having fun in their nice and structured little halloween parties with the haunted house and the bowls of peeled grapes eyes and spaghetti guts. I just wish for when it was a simplier time.... And WTF is with those white pumpkins that people are buying? I was reading something that they're popular because white fits the decorating theme of most homes and thus are great as party decorations for adult halloween parties. What the hell is up with that?
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Satanic Cat Watch: Day 956

Missing U.S. cat found in France

Thursday, October 27, 2005; Posted: 11:39 p.m. EDT (03:39 GMT)

APPLETON, Wisconsin (AP) -- When Emily the cat went missing a month ago, her owners looked for their wandering pet where she had ended up before -- the local animal shelter. This week they learned Emily sailed to France.

Lesley McElhiney now figures her cat went prowling around a paper warehouse near home and ended up in a cargo container that went by ship across the Atlantic Ocean and was trucked to Nancy, a city in northeastern France near the border with Germany.

Employees at a French lamination company found her in the container, checked her tags and called Emily's veterinarian back in the U.S., John Palarski.

"It probably had access to food and water," Palarski said.

"I doubt if it went three weeks without it. There must have been a lot of mice on the boat. Even if it was in the cargo department, you would assume there was water down there. She had to have something."

Palarski faxed the cat's vaccination records to French authorities to help remove her from quarantine, but the family is wondering exactly how they will retrieve the pet.

Emily will need a health certificate from France to return home, and she will have to go through quarantine again on entering the United States, Palarski said.

"The only thing we can think right now is buying a plane ticket," McElhiney said.

"She already cost us some the first time we got her from the humane society. She's getting to be an expensive little thing."

Alright, this is the freaking last nail in the coffin for all of you cat apologists out there. Here is the smoking gun in all of its glory and not even you pantywaste hippies out there can ignore the truth of the matter now. Cats are the handmaidens of satan.

Some of you didn't quite believe when I reported on their Satanic powers that allow them to survive 2 days in a box with neither food nor water in a heat wave. Oh, it must've been a miracle I'm sure some of you thought to yourselves. Well wake up, morons. When it's caused by the prince of darkness, it's not called a miracle.

Here again we have a case of cats demonstrating their abyssal powers in the serve of their Lord Satan. 'It probaly had access to food and water', my ass! It was a shipment of paper goods. What exactly were these supposed rats on board that provided the devil cat with sustenance eating themselves? Copies of the grapes of wrath or old issues of vanity fair? Once again we see that cats can, through their blood pact with their dark master, suspend the need for food and water required by all non-demonic animals.

Most telling of all is where the cat was headed. I mean, think about it. Where would a demonic cat go to be among others of its kind in the worship of the dark lord? Where they could gather together and plan the downfall of civilization as we know it? That's right. France. Well, either France or Berkeley but the damn cargo container heading to France was probaly the first one avaliable. No doubt the feline minion has made contact with its superiors in the black mass there in France and will now be returned to the states where it can carry out its plans for world domination. After 9/11, wasn't there that thing where at a moment's notice they could shoot down planes that pose a threat to the US? I don't know about the rest of you, but the return of a demonic cat bent upon bringing everlasting darkness to the world seems worthy of an air-to-air missile or two.