December 19th, 2007

banjos deliverance

Born white trash, lived white trash, will die white trash

Report: Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister pregnant

NEW YORK (AP) -- Another Spears baby is reportedly on the way -- and it's not Britney's.

Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old "Zoey 101" star and sister of Britney, told OK! magazine that she's pregnant and that the father is her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge.

"It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected," she said. "I was in complete and total shock and so was he."

Spears is 12 weeks along and initially kept the news to herself when she learned of the pregnancy from an at-home test and subsequent doctor visit, she told the celebrity magazine, which hits stands in New York on Wednesday and the rest of the country by Friday.

What message does she want to send to other teens about premarital sex? "I definitely don't think it's something you should do; it's better to wait," she told the magazine. "But I can't be judgmental because it's a position I put myself in."

After she found out from a doctor that she was pregnant, she said, "I took two weeks to myself where I didn't tell anybody."

"Only one of my friends knew because I needed to work out what I would do for myself before I let anyone's opinion affect my decision. Then I told my parents and my friends. I was scared, but I had to do what was right for me," she said.

Spears broke the news to her mother, Lynne, just before Thanksgiving, the magazine reported.

"She was very upset because it wasn't what she expected at all," Spears said. "A week after, she had time to cope with it and became very supportive."

Lynne Spears, already grandmother to Britney's young sons, told the magazine: "I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby."

I guess this just goes to show that neither money nor success is any substitute for a functioning brain and a dash of common sense. As if it weren't enough that we get treated to the non-stop hillbilly antics of the other Spears spawn, now we have another churning through the whore-o-matic. A good chunk of the blame can go to their parents, who it's hard to believe were so clueless as to be unaware what was going on. Hell, if nothing else you'd think the little dingus would have the sense to use some form of contraception. The last thing we need is more Spears spawn dragging down the national IQ. I guess all that's left now is to start the countdown to the first of a slew of pantiless crotchshots and the first visit to Betty Ford.
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cartoon god make everyone die

Sit on Santa's lap and wiggle a little

I woke up a couple hours ago and have been more or less unable to get back to sleep. I ended up popping some more pain meds and they're slowly working to take away some of the Ow. To pass the time, I've been listening to David Sedaris read his book Holidays on Ice. I know that I've mentioned Sedaris on the LJ at least once before when I reposted his story 6 to 8 Black Men. I first ran across him while listening to This American Life on NPR, and have since managed to track down some of his audiobooks.

Overall, I'm not a huge fan of reading his stuff because it pales in comparrison to hearing him read it. There's just something about his voice that accentuates the funny as far as I'm concerned. I occassionally search his name on bittorrent search engines, only to be disapointed by the same lack of hits. Well, maybe because it's the christmas season but someone uploaded a copy of Holidays on Ice recently and I managed to snag it. It's a perfect series of holiday-related stories for every misanthrope you might know. These are not the happy fuzzy sort of christmas tales you might usually find. Part of it recounts his time working as the elf, Crumpet, at Macy's Santaland during the christmas season. It's hard to imagine an experience more likely to engender horror and a general loathing for all of humanity. There are also some pure-fiction stories accentuating various holiday sins which will warm any heart.

I really hate this time of year.

Speaking of mall and department store Santa's, I just saw an article come across CNN that's on point.

Mall Santa says woman groped him

DANBURY, Connecticut (AP) -- Santa Claus says that a woman who sat on his lap was naughty, not nice.

A Santa at the Danbury Fair mall said the woman groped him.

"The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted," police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the weekend complaint.

Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace. She was released on a promise to appear in court on January 3.

Police quickly found and identified Lamy because the woman was described as being on crutches, said Capt. Bob Myles.

A call seeking comment from Lamy was answered by a recording Tuesday morning. A woman later called back and said: "It's a false report and I don't have any idea."

Police did not give the name of the disconcerted Santa, but they said he is 65 and felt badly because children were waiting to see him. "He was apparently shocked and embarrassed by the whole incident," Myles said.

You'd think that a nice grope would be one of the few fringe benefits of being Santa. Still, part of me can't help but hope they throw the book at her. It would be funny to see someone have to register as a sex offender because you copped a feel off of Santa. Imagine trying to explain that the next time you filled out a job application.
no hippies

Few things more stupid than a hippie

One of the problems with insomnia is I sit here and end up surfing around online news sites looking for interesting things to read. The downside is that often what I end up reading pisses me off. Take this article about Beluga whales wearing santa hats for instance.

If you wanted a clear example of just how assinine and fucking stupid animal rights activists are, this is a good place to start. Just look at some of these fucking ridiculous and ignorant quotes.

But environmentalists are saddened by the sight of what they say is the final humiliation for the whale in a country that hunts them down with harpoons.

Final humiliation? WTF? How the hell can a whale even suffer humiliation? Do the seals and dolphins go around mocking him and snickering behind his back about the hat?

Wildlife officials say the display of the white belugas wearing Santa hats is both sad and ironic against the background of the Antarctic hunts, due to start in the region after Christmas.

Do you even understand what 'ironic' means you horse's ass? How the fuck can it be 'ironic' that the whales are wearing fucking Santa hats? Are whales really Jews or Muslims or something because that's about the only way I can see the hat thing as being ironic.

"Sadly, the aquarium owners seem to be showing as little respect for whales as their Government."

WTF? How in the world does putting a santa hat on a whale either show or fail to show respect? Is a pet owner that puts a sweater on their dog failing to show respect for it? How incredible assinine and ignorant can you get?



Frankly, looking at the pictures of the whales, the only thing I'm really interested in is how they get the hats to stay on. Somehow, I just can't see elastic bands or glue working out all that well. I wonder if they've tried a staple gun yet.
dance centipedes vagina

Yay!

Well, my Photobucket issues have been solved, no thanks to you sorry lot of LJers. Someone over on the True Dungeon forums saw my conundrum and pointed out that his wife had had the same problem traced back to McAfee. Apparently there's some sort of site-blocker setup in their personal firewall that occassionally toggles photobucket as being dangerous. I ended up shutting down the firewall since I couldn't find a way to put the site onto some sort of safe list. The entire program is very black box-like and un-user friendly. You're just expected to trust that it knows what's best for you and the only control you really have over any of it is whether to turn it on or off. I guess that fits the need for most of the consumer base.

Anyway, I don't think the loss of the firewall should be any big deal. I've run this computer without any sort of anti-virus software for years now. The only reason I have McAfee at all is because I found a backdoor deal that allowed me to pick it up for free. I just can't get over the feeling that paying for computer software of any sort is somehow immoral and wrong. I've never so much as payed a bent nickel for anything, instead searching for freeware or using an endless succession of free trials. Since I don't have any brand or program loyalty, I don't really care where it comes from as long as I don't have to pay for it and it gets the job done.
garfield trick or treat

O' Henry, O' Canada

In a moment of boredom, I decided to just eat one of the candy bars I got in the candy exchange. After all this time, I never came up with a real idea about what I wanted to do with the damn things and I figured the consumption of one would still leave me with two in case inspiration struck.



This is pretty much what it looked like coming out of the package. Overall, it looked like any other nut-filled candy bar. It sorta reminded me of a baby ruth in overall appearance. The disturbing part is what happened when I bit into the thing. Here you can see a cross-section:



Maybe I'm being a little hypercritical here, but why the hell is the inside of it red? It looks a little washed out and faded in the flash and you'll have to trust me that under normal light it's a quite disturbing and vivid bright red. I mean, maple syrup is a brown sort of color, right? Do they usually mix red dyes into it across the border?

There are just some classic candy conventions this violates as far as I'm concerned. Everyone knows that if something is bright red, it should have a cherry flavor. Strawberry is more of a reddish pink, apple is green, banana is yellow, and so on and so on. If I went out and bought myself a piece of maple syrup candy, I would not expect it to be bright red. Is this some sort of canadian thing? Maybe someone just accidently spilled some red dye #5 into the mixer when this batch was made. It's certainly better than some of the other hypotheses about why the thing might be red.