July 10th, 2008

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I haven't been able to find a torrent with the 4th season of Hell's Kitchen so I went to streaming video instead. I made an entry a while back about the new advent of streaming video and how it was the new, hot thing. At the time, the main benefit was that it exploited some anti-piracy laws which say that you have to actually obtain a hardcopy of the work in question for it to be piracy. If a video streams to you and you never actually possess a copy, some felt that it was a good loophole. Not to mention that since they can pipe ads to you that you can't avoid, it's also the medium which the big media companies are most likely to back. I've already seen companies that will sell you copies of tv episodes for a couple of bucks and the site I used to watch the last season of Hell's Kitchen embeds 4-5 unskipable ads per hour-long show.

I spent most of the day watching along and I just finished the season finale and boy, am I pissed. This is the first season of Hell's Kitchen in which the best cook and most experienced individual didn't win. I had commented in the past that I felt the show was too full of fucking talentless donkeys. I almost felt bad for Gordon Ramsay in having to pick from suck a pathetic lot. There was one ridiculous asshole this last season who is supposedly a sous chef cooking for 15 years who couldn't break down a fucking chicken correctly in 5 minutes. Out of the 8 pieces you should get (2 wings, 2 thighs, 2 legs, 2 breasts), this mental retard only managed a score of 2, the wings. Seriously....WTF? Even I can breakdown a chicken better than that and have in the past. These assholes must be absolutely useless deadweight once they're actually employed at one of his restaurants. Still, I figured he at least got to choose from the best of the worse and if nothing else, it was only a 1 year contract and the salary isn't even covered by him so he could always just have them sit in a corner with their thumb up their ass for 365 days until they can be dumped.

That being said, this season Ramsay inexplicably picked Christina. I mean, she's cute and everything and I'd much rather boink her than Petrozza, but it was clear that he was the better and more seasoned chef. I've been wondering if maybe Ramsay didn't pick him because their styles don't match. He's a nice, sensitive guy who doesn't feel comfortable yelling at people and destroying them. Ramsay is like a pitbull who will go for your throat and then take a shit in your mouth after he's done mauling you. It was clear that Christina could be taught to be an aggressive animal, but Petrozza was probably too old and set in his ways to ever become a Gordon Ramsay clone.

I'm also just amazed that people on reality shows don't make more of an effort to cover up their warts. I know you can't wear a mask 24-7, but at least try to self-censor some of the crazy. Jen and Matt were both mentally derranged on the show and it came across clear as day. You can talk about manipulative editing all you want, but these were the words and actions that kept coming out of their mouth. You can always try to mitigate the effects of editing by, well, not saying crazy psychotic shit. I'd love to find out where these two bozos are working and then heckle them at their restaurants.
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The world I have known is lost in shadow

I thought I'd wax serious for a bit. Well, more serious than I usually manage anyway. I was thinking about suicide really and figured I'd share my thoughts a bit. It's probably to no person's surprise that suicide often runs through my mind. If nothing else, pain is a wonderful focusing point for your thoughts and there are only two directions for it to turn. You either direct it outward and express it as rage, as anger, as resentment, or it turns inside where dwells despair, depression, and self loathing. I'm sure there are sunny people out there who bear their issues with a stiff upper lip and a beatific smile, but lets face it, there was never any chance I was going to be one of those people.

The ironic part is that I've always been a depressive. From very early on in my life, I always leaned toward the dark and the morose. My interest in psychology began because of my depressive tendencies and my interest in, what was then the new miracle for depression, the SSRI's. I remember taking the Beck Depression Inventory once when I was stuck in a closet with nothing else to do. It was at the University of Chicago hospital and I was observing a neuropsychology evaluation where people with brain damage would come and get their issues assessed. Stuck in a closet with a closed circuit tv and nothing else, I decided to look over some of the tests and ended up scoring somewhere above moderately depressed, yet below insanely suicidal. I think back on that now and know nothing but regret over it. Maybe it's just the fatalistic way that my mind works, but I can't help but see God or the universe with a sneer on his/its face, 'You whiny little bitch. I'll give you something real to cry about.' Now, you might say that God is benevolent or that it's only random chance and you maybe right. Then again....

I can't help but let it get to me. So much potential and promise and then notta. I don't think I'm really tooting my own horn here, but I'm a pretty bright sort of guy as far as intelligence is normally assessed. I'm not a genius or anything but if you can believe standardized tests and academic achievement, I'm hardly a slack-jawed mouth breather. I'm not willing to say I could have been anything I wanted, far from it, but I could have been something. All the advanced degrees and published journal articles now mean nothing. Perhaps they always meant nothing but at least they could be something to cling to. Now, they only make the difference seem even more stark and tragic.

When things really started to go wrong, I always told myself that I would just off myself once my parents died. I've always been a firm believer that a person should be able to decide when to end their own lives. As I've phrased it in the past, if no one else has the right to end my life, then no one else should have the right to have me continue it. What has always held my hand is that I just can't see bringing any more tragedy into the lives of my relatives. If it's not enough that I'm a gimpy lump, I certainly wouldn't want to compound the debt. Despite what they say, it can't be easy for them to have watched me end up like this. There's a term that the medical profession often uses for a baby who fails to meet benchmarks and develop normally, failure to thrive. I always thought that about summed things up for me too.

I always knew that disability would be a tipping point for me. Once I went down that path there was a clear acknowledgment that I had joined the ranks of the world's useless. Fluff it up however you want, but we are the leeches of this world, fucked by fate, and a miserable and pathetic lot. Sometimes I think the government should just soylent green the lot of us. As scrooge said, maybe we should just get on with it and decrease the surplus population. Maybe one day.
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Remember a bit back when I was posting about how I was sure those limey assholes killed their own kid while Jon Benet's parents were likely to be innocent? It seems that just a bit after that, I was proven right, at least as far as Jon Benet went. Since her murder ages back, DNA technology has continued to improve until now, they've developed something called touch DNA tests. This is some seriously scary futuristic shit where they can pull your dna out of your fingerprints or anything else you might have touched. No longer do they need a chunk of your hair or a dab of your blood. You touch anything and they can get lucky and extract dna from it.

Anyway, they tested the underware she was wearing the night of her death and managed to find a DNA sample that matched right up to the blood that had previously been found. They ran it against the parents, the police, the EMS, and just about every other son of a bitch who had been in the house and found zero matches. The prosecutor even wrote a letter to John Ramsey apologising for having placed his family under a cloud of suspicion all those years. That's pretty remarkable since DA's are notoriously loathe to admit that they, or their office, were wrong.

I know civil libertarians always throw a fit about this, but I really think that everyone should be DNA'ed and fingerprinted at birth. I mean, we record people's heights and weights and pictures on a driver's license. I don't see why it's any more an invasion of privacy to collect a few skin cells you're not going to need anyway. The samples should be kept in a database and then only used to compare crime samples to. Just think about what it would do for crime solving and, more importantly, the certainty that the right person had been apprehended.