August 25th, 2008

mr men bump

One step forward, two steps back

I woke up today feeling pretty horrible. I thought the plague had loosened its grip some, but it seems I was wrong. I'm just exhausted and walking about for more than a few feet at a time has me out of breath. I end up wheezing quite a bit anyway since anything approaching deep breathing has me breaking out in fits of coughing. About the only good thing that has happened is that the sore throat has passed. Coughing no longer feels like I'm trying to expel razor blades.

I just downed a few swallows of orange juice after staggering my way to the kitchen. It's probably well past the time for vitamin C to play a positive role, but at this point I'm just clutching at straws.

That said, I want to go on the Michael Phelps diet. Not now, where I don't even want to think about food, but after the plague moves on. I'm sure most of you have seen this, but his diet is absolutely staggering. I was trying to figure out if I could actually eat all of what he does in a day and coming to the sad conclusion that I probably wouldn't make it. Someone reduced it to nothing but Triple Whoppers with cheese and mayo and even then you'd have to eat 8 of them in the course of a day. Though I would save 40 calories since I would have mine without onions. That's pretty insane if you think about it.

Here's his normal daily menu:

3 fried egg sandwiches with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayonnaise
2 cups of coffee
a 5 egg omelet
a bowl of grits
3 slices of French toast with powdered sugar
3 chocolate chip pancakes

1 pound enriched pasta with tomato sauce
2 large ham and cheese sandwiches on white bread with mayonnaise
1,000 calories of energy drinks

1 pound of pasta with tomato sauce
6 to 8 slices of pizza
1,000 calories of energy drinks

I'm regularly eaten a pound of pasta in a sitting before and I could probably finish one of these meals in one sitting but there's just no way I could imagine doing it for every meal.
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I decided to give tv another try and was channel flipping when I ran across something insane. It's a show called Man vs Beast where they had Kobayashi, the Japanese hotdog eating guy, challenge a fucking bear in a hot dog eating contest. Do you believe this shit? Since it's an Alaskan Kodiak bear, they even hang a US flag behind him while Kobayashi gets a Japanese one.

In case you were wondering, the bear wasted Kobayashi. In 2 minutes and 35 seconds, the 1089 pound bear finished his 50 hotdogs. In the same amount of time, Kobayashi was only able to finish 31 and a half dogs.

Next up? A tug-of-war between a sumo wrestler and an orangutan. Tv has gotten pretty fucked up since I've been away.

Hell, there's even a video clip of the fucking show.