April 28th, 2009

zoloft suicide

Nightmares, nightmares, and more nightmares

They continue unabated and I'm starting to feel the strain of it all. This morning I woke up after having this nightmare about being back in Chicago trying to finish my PhD while also, for some obscure reason, in some sort of city exploring race. I think I managed to develop a new phobia during this one. Near the end of the nightmare, I had to get back to my apartment for some reason but everything had shrunk. I had to crawl my way through the stairwell, slithering through it almost snakelike and the hallways had grown so tiny that the doors wouldn't even open all the way. I had to crawl through, let the door shut behind me, and then back up trying to work my way to my room. I've never been claustrophobic before but I think I now am, at least slightly. I finally manage to squeeze my way into my apartment, terrified at any minute that I would either cramp up or somehow be unable to squeeze my way through, only to then have a very disturbing conversation with a roommate about just how many classes I was missing or something similar. I woke up soon after that feeling pretty wigged out.

I then fell asleep tonight and had a dream where I had been wrongly imprisoned for murder. They thought that I had killed someone I went to school with and for some reason I was out of prison temporarily while they re-prosecuted me, but not in court. Instead, we were all back at the highschool (or school of some sort) and the principal there was certain I was guilty. I was getting crucified by all this circumstantial evidence that made me look guilty and I couldn't convince anyone of my innocence. Well, except one. One of the teachers there did believe me and she kept trying to help me. We got closer through the course of the legal pummeling I was taking and I think we were starting to fall in love. Of course, she ends up getting killed somewhere along the way and I woke up soon after.

This fucking sucks. I'm really sick to death of all these fucking nightmares. WTF? Why me? Not a day goes by now where I don't have some sort of fucked up dream that makes me feel shitty. As if life weren't enough of a purgatory as it is, someone decides to spice it up with a little hell.