November 15th, 2009

discworld commend my soul

Shot through the heart

So far, signs still point to improvement from the Humira injections. I've started to take the oxycontin sporadically or even not at all and there haven't been any problems so far. You'd think this would be a happy occurrence but not only am I not feeling very enthused about it, it actually brings a lot of new worries and uncertainties.

I also managed to confirm that the Humira injects really does sting like crazy and the first time wasn't simply a fluke. I finally got badgered into administering the second injection yesterday and I spent a good 10 seconds yelling obscenities. Shelley was over and she offered the suggestion that it would probably be less painful if I jabbed myself in the stomach as opposed to the upper thigh. That might very well be true and it's what I've heard from several people who have to do daily injections. The problem is the idea of jabbing myself in the stomach with a needle gives me the willies. If the Humira didn't hurt so badly, I probably could bring myself to try different injection locations. It's harder convincing myself to try a new location when I know it hurts like a son of a bitch. After all, it could be even worse elsewhere.

All in all, I've got enough 'scripts for 2 more months of Humira (4 injections total). It'll be interesting to see if there's continued improvement and what that will mean for my life overall. It's hard not to see things as a zero sum game and that for something to get better, you can rest assured there's going to be a compensatory worsening elsewhere.
zoloft sad

Just another dump truck backing up

I don't think I've said it explicitly but I've quite playing Realm of Empires. It's sort of sad really since I devoted insane amounts of time to it over the past 5 months or so. I actually started later in the realm than most people by 3-4 weeks and still managed to crawl my way up to the front page's leaderboard. I was already starting to feel a little burnt out in the weeks before I quit but what really made the decision for me was the war that erupted. Half of the top 10 clans all decided to attack at once and it was ridiculous and excessive. I spent around a day and a half with no sleep, trying desperately to stay awake and fend off thousands of attacks. It led to the equivalent of a small panic attack and I was twitching like a 2-pack a day smoker gone cold turkey. I just couldn't handle the whole thing anymore. I don't deal with stress all that well to begin with and that sort of situation of needing to be constantly vigilant and being attacked by a dozen different people caused a BSoD. It's kinda sad that a facebook game could even cause that sort of reaction but it was something that I had tried to fill the emptiness of my life with for a while. It was a way of reaching out and making some connections again.

I haven't thought about it much but I've probably become more emotionally fragile over the years. Well, not fragile as much as brittle. Sharper, but whack it the wrong way and it all crumbles into jagged shards. I guess that shouldn't be surprising really if you think about it. I've slowly lost most of the things that most people base their self-image, self-esteem, and emotional strength on. If it weren't for my family, I don't think I would have a single emotional pillar left to me. Even there, things aren't all clear skies. My family is hardly demonstrative in affection and I still have that fear that pity will turn to contempt.

One thing that leaving RoE has given me is time, and that's not necessarily a good thing. Time right now is just an opportunity to brood. I try to find new things to fill the empty space but it's hard not to see it all as ashes.