April 17th, 2010

zoloft suicide

Despite all my rage

This no carb diet is having some really unpleasant side effects. I'm depressed, feeling weakness, nauseous, or woozy whenever I stand, tired after even slight physical exertion and increasingly angry about it. I'm starting to think that what I really want to do is become a suicide bomber and blow the mother-loving @#%^ out of something/one/ones. If I had something more concrete to fixate my rage upon, I'd probably be dangerous in another few weeks. I don't remember having anything near a reaction like this the last time I did a no-carb diet and I have no clue why it's happening now. I find it baffling that just a change in diet can have such dire effects, though I will admit I've been a little more extreme with it than I probably should be.

So, the night before yesterday my uncle called wanting to take me and my grandmother out to lunch. I haven't eaten out since this diet began and frankly, I didn't need the temptation and wangst it would cause. Unfortunately, there was also no way I could turn him down. He wanted to do something nice and there wasn't any real way I could beg off. At that point, I hadn't eaten anything for almost 2 days and the idea of breaking a fast in a deli where there was bread and french fries and coleslaw and potato salad and all sorts of other things I shouldn't eat didn't feel like a pleasant idea to me. I ended up agreeing and so the next day we went out to lunch.

The meal itself wasn't all that bad. I ended up having some pastrami and egg salad, managing to keep myself from breaking the diet in any major way. The biggest infraction was a couple of carrot chips with the egg salad and I figured that was at least relatively harmless. I guess it shouldn't be too surprising but I couldn't actually eat all that much and became full pretty quickly so I sat around while they finished their meals. As I sat there, a wave of weakness washed over me. I'm not sure I have ever felt that tired in my life and it took too much effort to even sit up. I actually wondered if I was going to faint or have to lie down on the floor in the middle of the restaurant. I ended up staggering outside and lying down on a bench fighting waves of weakness, nausea, and lightheadedness. Even that amount of walking seemed almost too much to be borne at the time and I'm not sure I could have gone much further for money. Well, it depends on how much money and if I could stagger slowly I guess.

All in all, it was not a pleasant experience made all the worse because it was in public. God knows I've felt bouts of weakness before at home but it's no problem to flop in bed and just wait for it to go away. People usually get concerned when random strangers just start lying down on the floor in public. Anyway, suffice to say that I am not a happy camper right now. I can't help but wonder if there's also some low-carb induced psychosis so I at least have something to blame when I go postal. Luckily for my potential victims, anything faster than a slow walk will probably leave me exhausted and that's assuming I don't go 10 feet and have to have a lie-down.
books shakespeare laugh weep world

From inside I'm cold and bitter

I just spent the last few hours listening to music on youtube, which is sort of unusual for me in a lot of ways. I haven't actually been following along with the music scene of any genre (with the very slight exception of some musicals) for years and years. It's not like I was ever a big music buff even when I was younger and at best I was a radio listener, never really buying albums or singles like my peers. Hell, to this date I have never actually attended any concert, unless a folk singer in the basement of a church and audience of around 20 counts, in which case I've been to exactly 1. It's not even like I don't care for music as you'll often find me singing something, even if it's only the oscar mayer weiner jingle.



It's more that I never really latched on to any group or performer enough to be a diehard fan. I found that most groups and albums were incredibly hit or miss and it seemed that there was maybe 1 good song for every 3 sucky ones. That sort of thing kept my tastes pretty eclectic and I never paid much if any attention to what song was by what group or from what album.

That said, it was actually sort of nice to wander down nostalgia lane for a few hours listening to songs I haven't heard in years. I even managed to find one song that I had loved but almost forgotten about. I only had a vague memory of it, none of which contained either the band or the name of the song or even any of the lyrics. That made searching for it a monumental pain in the ass as you might imagine but I finally stumbled over it again and I was exceedingly lucky considering that it was not only the only single of a group with only one album, it wasn't even very popular at the time. There was only a single youtube video of the CD recording.

Listening to it now, it's easy to see why it struck such a chord with me back then. Hell, it could even be my theme song it resonates so much. God knows it probably fits even better now than it did back then with how much further I've fallen. I used to think that Billy Joel's Angry Young Man better epitomized my life but those days are past. Sure, there's still anger and rage but it's now more a force born of despair and desperation rather than belligerence. More guilt and self-loathing than anything I could lay at the feet of the world and call for retribution.

Oh well. If you're interested here's the song and lyrics, Quitter by Gas Giants.



Looking over all the angles obvious that some ain't right
Litter the recycle bin with all the things I'll change tonight
Well that's not wrong, it's merely lame
There's no need to hide my shame
Well I'm tired of slowly sinking
Still there's no one else to blame

I can't help it I'm a quitter
From inside I'm cold and bitter
Always out an unbeliever
We're not floating in the ether

Sick of the illusion that it's sad to ever want to know
Taking off and sputtering whenever it was time to go

Well it's not my fault, I'll never try
I can't even tell you why
Well I thought I heard you calling
From the corner of my eye

I can't help it I'm a quitter
From inside I'm cold and bitter
Always out and in denial
Laying wreaths and spanish tile
I'm not scared I'm only nervous
When chocolate shakes and power surges
Stephen hawking can't know either
We're not floating in the ether

It's not my fault, I'll never try
Well I can't even tell you why
Well I thought I heard you calling
From the corner of my eye

I can't help it I'm a quitter
From inside I'm cold and bitter
Always out and in denial
Laying wreaths and spanish tile
I'm not scared I'm only nervous
When chocolate shakes and power surges
Stephen hawking can't know either
We're not floating in the ether

Always out and in denial
Laying wreaths and spanish tile
Stephen hawking can't know either
We're not floating in the ether.....