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September 11th, 2019

Put on your happy face

'Darkness comes. In the middle of it, the future looks blank. The temptation to quit is huge. Don't. You are in good company... You will argue with yourself that there is no way forward. But with God, nothing is impossible. He has more ropes and ladders and tunnels out of pits than you can conceive. Wait. Pray without ceasing. Hope.'
-John Piper

I've often thought to myself that faith must be such a comforting thing to hold on to in the darkest hours of the soul. You can see other people warming themselves by the fire but for some of us cynical people, it's hard to see it as anything more than an illusion, even if we wish it were otherwise. Maybe it's simply a byproduct of too much uncertainty and questioning. When you doubt yourself, the people around you, and the society you live in, it becomes sort of impossible to extend belief to something which by definition must be a leap of faith. Maybe I'm like Kevin Spacey in Se7en, where my sin is the sin of Envy. I wouldn't have thought that was my problem once upon a time but that sense of disconnection and a wish for something more seems to be more and more a part of my life.



This line of thought made me recall the song from Dear Evan Hansen, a show I still haven't seen though really want to. It seems to perfectly encapsulate this idea of never feeling like you fit in your own skin and always holding yourself back. They always say you can't expect other people to accept you until you've accepted yourself. I guess even after all these years that's just something I've never quite managed to do.

It actually wasn't my intent to be sort of maudlin in this entry. I actually had good news to report, though it's still preliminary and subject to a second test. It seems that my creatinine levels have actually dropped in the latest blood test and significantly. It's down to 2.67, which is a huge drop from 3.1. The nephro took another blood test today to confirm the result, but if it's true it means that my GFR is back up to 28, something that I didn't even think was possible. I was hoping for, at best, the lack of a decline. I have no clue why it rebounded and I hope that the new blood test shows similar results. I will admit that I sometimes will have conversations with my kidneys, mostly offering them sympathy for what they've been through, much like how some people talk to plants. I know it's ridiculous but anthropomorphising them sometimes seems natural. It's like finding you have a puppy you've ended up mistreating, without awareness and ill intent, but it doesn't much change things that the little guys are in poor shape. Well, maybe they're actually trying to rally a bit. I guess only time will tell.

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