In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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Crazy Cthulhu nutjobs

A while back after coming back from ubercon I had promised a treat of sorts. Well, I finally got around to taking a few photos and uploading them so you'll all get a chance to see what I was talking about. As you might recall, I spent most of ubercon either running demos or bored since there never seemed to be a game to get in one. On saturday night while I was sitting around waiting for a game to start, I found someone's discarded magazine on one of the tables. Now, I know there are some crazy squidfans out there and that they're ever bit a rabid and screwy lot as those derranged vampire goths. Still, I thought it was pretty surprising to have a magazine called 'Cthulhu Sex: Blood, Sex, and Tentacles'. It made my night. I thought at first it must be some sort of humorous self-parody but ohh was I wrong which made it funnier in the end.

So you're probaly wondering what was within the pages of the magazine. It was full of some of the most hilariously funny writing and poetry I had ever run across. Funny not because that's what the authors had intended, I'm sure, but with irony so thick you could cut it with a knife. You could tell that most of them were just struggling to add this weight of gravitas to their stories about demons and sex and the OooOoOoOoOoOooh occult forces that go bump in the cthulhu night. What they managed to achieve was a level of comedy I have seldom encountered.

Not only did it have some of the most atrotious writing I have ever seen, what sort of magazine that promises 'blood, sex and tentacles' wouldn't have pictures of, well, blood, sex and tentacles?

Here's one example of what fills the pages within. I can just imagine some dark and angsty cthulhu fan spanking it to this. After all, what's not to love. Here we have some sort of weird scene that looks like some derranged nutjob managed to mix hell raiser with the bride of the swamp thing and then added a dash of sci-fi borg-iness just to round things out.

I also have to give you a taste of the writing within, in this case the poetry. As I was sitting there at the table waiting for the game a friend wanted to take a look at the magazine and ended up reading a few selections aloud to the general amusement of those nearby. The following is an excerpt of a poem about a man meeting some alien woman. I swear to god you couldn't make this crap up if you tried.

One breast big, one breast small,
The other in between,
Her nipples glowed like copper,
A lovely shade of green.
And then her glistening pussy,
Jetting pools of juice,
Though in a rather eerie,
DIsconcerting hue of puce.

Music filled the heavens,
It really was uncanny,
Though a bit distracting,
Coming from her fanny.
His space suit hit he ground,
Smitten by her look,
Maybe a mistake,
As his blood began to cook.

I'm not sure whether the people who contribute to this magazine should be flayed alive or given some sort of award for comedy.

You know those things in newspapers and kids activity books where you have to find and circle the 5 hidden items within a picture or something along those lines? Find and circle every fetish you can find in the image above. Can you find them all?

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