Thursday, October 27, 2005; Posted: 11:39 p.m. EDT (03:39 GMT)
APPLETON, Wisconsin (AP) -- When Emily the cat went missing a month ago, her owners looked for their wandering pet where she had ended up before -- the local animal shelter. This week they learned Emily sailed to France.
Lesley McElhiney now figures her cat went prowling around a paper warehouse near home and ended up in a cargo container that went by ship across the Atlantic Ocean and was trucked to Nancy, a city in northeastern France near the border with Germany.
Employees at a French lamination company found her in the container, checked her tags and called Emily's veterinarian back in the U.S., John Palarski.
"It probably had access to food and water," Palarski said.
"I doubt if it went three weeks without it. There must have been a lot of mice on the boat. Even if it was in the cargo department, you would assume there was water down there. She had to have something."
Palarski faxed the cat's vaccination records to French authorities to help remove her from quarantine, but the family is wondering exactly how they will retrieve the pet.
Emily will need a health certificate from France to return home, and she will have to go through quarantine again on entering the United States, Palarski said.
"The only thing we can think right now is buying a plane ticket," McElhiney said.
"She already cost us some the first time we got her from the humane society. She's getting to be an expensive little thing."
Alright, this is the freaking last nail in the coffin for all of you cat apologists out there. Here is the smoking gun in all of its glory and not even you pantywaste hippies out there can ignore the truth of the matter now. Cats are the handmaidens of satan.
Some of you didn't quite believe when I reported on their Satanic powers that allow them to survive 2 days in a box with neither food nor water in a heat wave. Oh, it must've been a miracle I'm sure some of you thought to yourselves. Well wake up, morons. When it's caused by the prince of darkness, it's not called a miracle.
Here again we have a case of cats demonstrating their abyssal powers in the serve of their Lord Satan. 'It probaly had access to food and water', my ass! It was a shipment of paper goods. What exactly were these supposed rats on board that provided the devil cat with sustenance eating themselves? Copies of the grapes of wrath or old issues of vanity fair? Once again we see that cats can, through their blood pact with their dark master, suspend the need for food and water required by all non-demonic animals.
Most telling of all is where the cat was headed. I mean, think about it. Where would a demonic cat go to be among others of its kind in the worship of the dark lord? Where they could gather together and plan the downfall of civilization as we know it? That's right. France. Well, either France or Berkeley but the damn cargo container heading to France was probaly the first one avaliable. No doubt the feline minion has made contact with its superiors in the black mass there in France and will now be returned to the states where it can carry out its plans for world domination. After 9/11, wasn't there that thing where at a moment's notice they could shoot down planes that pose a threat to the US? I don't know about the rest of you, but the return of a demonic cat bent upon bringing everlasting darkness to the world seems worthy of an air-to-air missile or two.