In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
henwy

  • Mood:

Event horizon

Last night, in the midst of writhing and cursing, I came to the conclusion that I am completely suicidal when in the midst of the pain. During the bad spells, there is nothing I want more than surease, and death seems like it would be a small price to pay indeed. It's like an altered state where a completely different consciousness takes over and the only solution is apparent. Thoughts and plans race alongside a desperate hope that that would at least bring some peace. The sort of disturbing part is the train of thought appears completely rational at the time. There's only so much suffering any person can take, repeated over and over, until you will reach for any answer. Even sitting here now, in a state where I'm not in any major physical distress, I can't be sure that I won't pull the trigger in the middle of one of those episodes one of these days.
Tags: chronic pain, suicide
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