In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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The Compass points due Suck

The Golden Compass sucked ass. I'll admit right off the bat that I wasn't expecting much and even then it managed to underwhelm me by degrees of magnitude. I have never seen a movie so choppy and near-incoherant as a result of editing. At least, I hope it was because of editing. That would suggest there might have actually been a decent film and story at some point before a crazy nutjob took a pair of garden shears to it.

I never liked the Golden Compass, not even in book form. It had been recommended to me ages back, near when it was first published and I bought all three of the books before I got around to reading the first. It's been long enough ago that I don't recall many details other than a palatable distaste that made it so I had no inclination to finish the trilogy. I thought it might have been an interesting experience to actually see a film based on a book that I had read long enough ago that I remembered almost none of the details. The end result was a confusing jibberjabber of nonsensical crap. I wish I had actually looked at a few of the reviews before deciding to join the trek out to catch the matinee earlier today. Knowing it had scored a 43% on Rotten Tomatoes might have been enough to disuade me to join the gang.

About the only entertaining aspect of the movie was the snide and snarky comments that the Bills and I traded back and forth like when the witch was asking the girl to use the magic 8-ball of doom to figure out who amongst the ship's crew she had had a relationship with in the past.

'Trick question, I've slept with all of them!'

'Guess which one I didn't sleep with'
'The only one without syphilis.'

The movie was really abysmal. It might as well have been an advertisement for birth control or post-natal abortion. The main character should have gotten the crap slapped out of her at a half dozen points during the film. I actually felt sorry for Nicole Kidman's character at one point, commenting that I'll bet she wishes she had opted for an abortion now.

I also find it sort of offensive that the bad guys in the film might as well have been wearing Nazi uniforms, it borrowed so heavily from the general style of the 3rd Reich. Frakking Christopher Lee looked like the Commandant of a concentration camp. It was a cheap gimmick when they might actually have spelled out a little better why the bad guys were the bad guys. Instead, it was just the goosestepping uniforms and that whole oblation whozit. You never find out the whole why of the situation and instead, it's just a pointless bounce from scene to scene without any of the transitory elements.

In short, this movie stank.

If there was a positive side to the film, it is probably in the fact that the bears looked sort of spiffy. I'm still not quite sure why their armor was all that special given that there were guns and such. Just shoot them where there's no damn armor. Besides, armor is crap. Forcefields is where it's at, bitches.
Tags: movie club, movie club: golden compass

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