In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
henwy

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No steps forward, two steps back

There's another poker night at Brian's place tonight and like usual, I'm feeling more than a bit ambivalent about it. On one hand, it's fun and I could win a few bucks. On the other hand, even if the meds work pretty well and I hold up through the night, I'm a bloody achy mess by the end of it. And that's the best case senario. The others involve the meds not kicking in right and I'm in pain throughout the night instead of just by the end of it. Feh. If I had a choice, sometimes I just think I'd stay a shut-in for the rest of my life. I'm not sure the world's all that interesting to compensate for the pain of it all.

Things have been ecspecially sort of problematic the past couple weeks. There's definitely been an uptick in the amount of inflammation and pain I'm getting and it takes the pills hours sometimes to start locking it down. This morning was unpleasant that way. All in all, it was three hours of stabby before I finally hit a plateau and things started to get better. I'm starting to think that I really need to rethink those steroids. They're the only things that have always worked out for me but the last time I took them on a daily basis, the therapeutic effect diminished. I dunno if it was simple tolerance or what, but I'm worried that taking them more often will blunt them.

I sometimes think about going back to the doctors and seeing if there's anything else they can do, but I'm just feeling sort of dejected about it. I'm not sure it's worth the extended pain and problems of general surgery again. Surgery was the suxxors. Sure, life sucks right now, but at least it's a familiar sort of suck. Surgery would add whole different levels of suck to my life. Occassionally I read the blogs of people in the same boat as me and they list therapy after therapy after therapy that they try. I just can't relate to that anymore. They obviously still feel that their life has some value worth salvaging. Personally, on that front, I've just given up.
Tags: brian, chronic pain, poker
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