In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
henwy

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I hurt like crazy

Today was not a good day overall. I kept having to pop meds and when the pain returned, it was always a bit more obnoxious and intense. At this point, it's driving me crazy. I'm in the middle of the whole spontaneously cursing and yelping stage, which is no fun for anyone. It probably sounds like a Stalin era goolag but with the volume turned down a bit. The horrible part is the stabbing. I'll have a few seconds of peace, maybe up to a minute or so then at a random point, STAB. The only thing that comes to mind to compare it to is like contractions for labor, though at least that is supposedly a timely process. As it stands for me, I never know exactly when the pain is going to hit, only that it's coming at some point, and then STAB STAB STAB. The uncertainty is part of the horror of it all. It reminds me of all those studies on learned helplessness in rats. It was a model of clinical depression for years, and is still used for that to some degree.

The basic idea is you put a rat in a cage and give him electric shocks. Each shock is preceeded by a light in the cage and if the rat runs over and hits a lever within, say, 3 seconds, no shock is delivered. Once you train rats on this sort of thing they get very good at it. They almost never receive shocks anymore and for the most part, they're just like normal rats. After a while though, you change the experiment and 'disconnect' the lever. The lever now does nothing. The light comes on, the shock is delivered and there's nothing the rat can do to stop it. At first they press the lever feverishly trying to fend off the shock but after a while they just give up and lie there in a heap. Even if you reconnect the lever, it does no good. The rats are still lumps afterwards. It's as if they've learned there's no point trying anymore since nothing they do can help themselves. They're just fucked.

I can relate.
Tags: chronic pain, research
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