In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
henwy

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But is there treasure at the end?

It's sort of sad when a trip out to Staples and the post office feels like a grand quest where unspeakable horrors will need to be faced and is approached with the same reluctance someone would show for being the guest of honor at a Bris. Well, okay, perhaps it's not quite that bad, but still not something that's positive.

I've since fortified myself with extra drugs, which I'm still waiting around to kick in, and armed with all sorts of rigamarole like checks to be cashed and mail to be sent. To pass the time, I'm listening to a segment from This American Life and the episode seems to be sort of on point. It's about a guy who drops everything to go across the country to help his alcoholic mother and his step brother. The mother's an alcoholic who nearly killed herself by sitting on the couch for a solid month drinking and the step-brother is a hair's breadth from spending an extended period in jail. To put it plainly, both of them have screwed up their lives in a major fashion and it's up to the narrator to come in and try to put things aright. It's certainly not the narrator with whom I'm relating to right now.

It's not hard to look at my life right now and see that if it weren't for the family structure I have, I'd probably be inching slowly toward self-destruction if not there already and frolicking around like it were disneyland. I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I were living back in the middle ages and the word that sums it up is short. I probably would have been offed by some secondary infection long before now, and if that didn't get me, there's no way that I could survive on my own. I'm simply too decrepit to function in a society that would require each individual to farm a plot of land. In effect, my entire life now is subsidized by modern society, which no longer tosses away the infirm and useless. I can't say that's exactly a positive thing, even considering the fact that I'm the one who benefits.

I sometimes wonder how other people in similar situations deal with it. Do they think society owes them and what it provides is only just and fair? Do they think society doesn't provide enough? Or are they more like me who try to muddle through but can't help being dragged down by a more than lingering sense of guilt and shame. Whatever happened to survival of the fittest?
Tags: daily ponder, family, this american life
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