In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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A week to go

It's down to 7 days and change until I board a plane for Chicago, and then after that, Gencon. I'd like to be able to say I'm looking forward to the trip, but the plain and simple truth of it is I'm not. I'm just too screwed up to be all that sanguine about such a venture. It's pretty amazing when you think about how far I've slid in just a year. Last year, I remember worrying a bit and thinking it was a hassle. This time around, I'm seriously wondering if I'll simply make it through the whole thing without a breakdown. I would really prefer not to have some sort of massive pain breakdown that leaves me sprawled out on the floor in agony. Well, actually, I'm sure that will happen at some point. I can only hope that I can keep things well enough locked down that I can do my collapsing in an unobtrusive corner or something.

I dunno. Part of me hopes that maybe the endorphin rush will help with pain relief. It's been known to happen before where whenever I go out to some special event, I manage to function better than I would have if I were simply going out to run errands. Of course, it also helps that I usually pop back drugs like candy during those events and that might explain things. I'm thinking about going to the local doctor here before my trip and trying to get him to prescribe something, anything, new. He's always been compliant in the past about writing codeine scripts. I'm just not sure how he'll feel about writing for something stronger and bigger. I'm sure he doesn't want to DEA crawling up his ass and that fear has paralyzed a lot of doctors I've known from providing adequate pain relief. I often wish I really were a drug addict. Then at least I would be getting some joy out of all this bullshit. Not to mention I might actually have the contacts to actually score some heroin or morphine or something that will kick like a mule. I just desperately want a 'secret weapon' for when everything else I try fails me. And I know it will. The only real question is how often and how badly.

Things have been so bad this year I've also completely given up on things I normally do for gencon in terms of prep. No Killer Breakfast schtick this year. I just couldn't end up doing the Monster in the Dark like I wanted and no new Take a Token box. I was just too broken to actually spend the resources to even attempt Arts and Craft projects. There are times I feel like a person in an overloaded boat that becomes more and more rickety each day. I toss things overboard as fast as I can to try to steady things and keep it all from capsizing. These two gencon events are simply two of the most recent casualties. I think I'm still going down with the ship though.
Tags: chronic pain, drugs, gencon, killer breakfast, true dungeon

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