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Click - *STAB*

A couple of years ago I was on the drug Enbrel for around a month or two. The doctor thought it might help my issues and there had been some clinical trials that seemed promising at the time. I went through a lot of shit to even take the drug due to the fact that prior exposure to a hospital had left me with some TB spores. At the time, the only way I could get the drug was through a clinical trial being run at Penn and I ended up having to schlep my way there a few times only to be told in the end that I didn't qualify for their study. After that, it was a whole another issue with trying to get some of the Enbrel through the pharmaceutical company's compassionate use program since I didn't have medical insurance at the time and off-label use of the stuff ran thousands a month. I finally got the meds, got over the whole aversion to needles enough to self-inject and absolutely nothing happened. To say I was pissed about it is an understatement. As far as I could tell, it had no beneficial effects at all.

So there's the background story to the fact that I've got more god damn Enbrel in my fridge right now. They just came up with a larger injection dose and the doctor wants me to give it another whirl as a pre-treatment for other drugs in the same class. She had me running through hoops trying to get back on the compassionate use program but it turns out that medicaid covers the whole thing and doesn't even care what you're using it for. I swear to God the poor and destitute in this country really know how to live it up. Anyway, I've got around 8 syringes of the crap sitting next to the sliced american cheese and I only just got around to opening one up. Instead of the syringes I was expecting, there were a set of auto-syringes in the box. No doubt these are more costly and preferred by people but they freak me the hell out. I don't like the idea of having to push a button and knowing that a needle is going to jab out stabbing me in the leg. WTF? If I had to choose, I at least prefer to be the one controlling the needle. I just know that 'click' sound is going to give me a mini anxiety attack each time. I had to brace myself when injecting the needle myself. God only knows how much worse it'll be having to depend on a spring and some clockwork.

The worst part about this is I'll bet this drug has no damn effect again. It's shitty to know that you have to stab yourself twice a week only so you can prep for stabbing yourself with something else. The best part of this that the strongest of the three drugs is IV only, can only be done in a hospital, and takes 3 hours a shot. How's that for something to look forward to? Feh.


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In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
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