In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

  • Mood:

Just another dump truck backing up

I don't think I've said it explicitly but I've quite playing Realm of Empires. It's sort of sad really since I devoted insane amounts of time to it over the past 5 months or so. I actually started later in the realm than most people by 3-4 weeks and still managed to crawl my way up to the front page's leaderboard. I was already starting to feel a little burnt out in the weeks before I quit but what really made the decision for me was the war that erupted. Half of the top 10 clans all decided to attack at once and it was ridiculous and excessive. I spent around a day and a half with no sleep, trying desperately to stay awake and fend off thousands of attacks. It led to the equivalent of a small panic attack and I was twitching like a 2-pack a day smoker gone cold turkey. I just couldn't handle the whole thing anymore. I don't deal with stress all that well to begin with and that sort of situation of needing to be constantly vigilant and being attacked by a dozen different people caused a BSoD. It's kinda sad that a facebook game could even cause that sort of reaction but it was something that I had tried to fill the emptiness of my life with for a while. It was a way of reaching out and making some connections again.

I haven't thought about it much but I've probably become more emotionally fragile over the years. Well, not fragile as much as brittle. Sharper, but whack it the wrong way and it all crumbles into jagged shards. I guess that shouldn't be surprising really if you think about it. I've slowly lost most of the things that most people base their self-image, self-esteem, and emotional strength on. If it weren't for my family, I don't think I would have a single emotional pillar left to me. Even there, things aren't all clear skies. My family is hardly demonstrative in affection and I still have that fear that pity will turn to contempt.

One thing that leaving RoE has given me is time, and that's not necessarily a good thing. Time right now is just an opportunity to brood. I try to find new things to fill the empty space but it's hard not to see it all as ashes.
Tags: depression, facebook, realm of empires

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