- The first injections just happened to coincide with a good run and the power of self-delusion and temporary reverse hypochondria lead to positive outcomes unrelated to the drugs.
- The Humira did work but has now begun to lose its effect due to tolerance.
I guess a third option is that I should just stop bothering with trying to figure it out and just assume that no matter what happens, it will always end up fucked.
One thing is clear and that's the whole injection process still sucks like crazy. I've heard from plenty of people, including some diabetics that it's always better to jab yourself in the gut as opposed to the upper leg. While I can understand, logically, why that would be the case, the entire idea gives me the willies. Still, I'm not sure that I could possibly view the injections with any more dread so after a lot of internal whining, monologue, and occasional mental shrieking, I got someone to push the button while I had the injector pen to my stomach. It still sucked.
I just don't understand how cutters manage to do it. I sometimes think there should be some sort of class you should be able to take that teaches you how to self-injure correctly. The idea of stabbing yourself in the stomach with a needle gun just gives me the willies on a fundamental level. It also means that ever slitting my wrists is probably dead out. I'm pretty sure that's certainly a bridge too far when you can't even use an injector pen without excessive wangst. I figure it's the same reason many people have opted for suicide by cop rather than just blowing their own brains out. It must be nice to not know exactly the moment when it's coming.
All in all though, it just seems like too much muss and fuss. God knows why you would want to leave a bloody mess for someone else to clean up afterwards. It reminds me of something that happened at the University of Chicago while I was there. Apparently someone went into one of the seldom used library bathrooms and blew his brains out all over one of the walls, which pretty much freaked out the employee who went in there to clean or whatever. Someone also jumped off a building when I was there, which seems just as excessively messy, and that's even if you don't happen to land on anyone. I guess it's not bad if you're just trying to give a middle finger to the world, but I'd still think you'd want something more targeted than that. Why terrorize some random employee or passerby? If you're going to spritz yourself you might as well break into the room of someone you don't like and spray your blood and internal fluids all over their clothes or something. Sure, you might be dead but they'll have to either pay for a shitload of dry cleaning or buy a whole new wardrobe.