In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

An unexpected side effect

I stopped off at Brian and Jessie's place earlier tonight to drop off some Christmas presents. I stuck around for a bit but really, it was all I could do to even make the trip in the first place. I'm still feeling about as blue as I can ever recall and nothing but dark thoughts run through my mind these past few days. Things are also problematic on the pain front, which did bring one unexpected benefit. When the Humira seemed to be having an effect, I basically stopped taking my opiate pain meds as a regimen. I eventually cut back until I stopped the oxycontin altogether and only popped the occasional percocet. Despite the fact that the Humira is no longer working, I've tried to not take the drugs for the most part and just bull through the pain. Now that it's sometimes extreme enough it's no longer possible, I find that popping a handful of pills is having a huge effect without all the built up tolerance. It's not quite what I would have thought euphoria was all cracked up to be, but I guess it's close enough. Maybe it's just a difference in perspective as anything which feels even somewhat pleasant seems better given the bleak backdrop. Regardless, it's kinda nice. Maybe this is what ends up driving some addicts. I just don't want to remember and don't want to think anymore.
Tags: brian, chronic pain, drugs, humira, new years

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