In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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Perception deception

I was just thinking how it's sort of sad that I don't seem to have as many personal connections online as I used to in the past. I don't mean quantity, since if you mash facebook into the mess, it certainly seems like I know a lot more people, but it's a very shallow and disconnected thing. If you take LJ, it's been years since I've had a thriving friends list with people who regularly comment on entries and I can't help but find that sort of sad. It's like I spend the vast majority of the time talking to myself, and I'm not sure if that's more pointless or depressing. Even on facebook where numbers seem to grow but I have less of a personal connection than when I knew those same people from forums or whatever.

There are many reasons for this sort of thing, and the first and foremost is probably that I'm hardly the easiest person to get along with. While I might personally belief that on the grand scale from funny to jerkass, I don't completely topple the scale in favor of the latter, that might just be my own personal delusion. God knows things haven't been great over the past couple of years and that has tended to grind down and sharpen an already prickly disposition. It also means that the way I tend to relate to most people often falls into the snarky/snide category just out of default. I tend to think it's funny or entertaining but God only knows how it's perceived by others.

It's also a clear fact that I just don't reach out to people as much as I used to; not that that was ever a real common occurrence even in the old days. At this point, I'm not sure I even know how to go about finding more LJ friends since it seems that attempts to find like-minded individuals always ends in ashes. Surely my personality/interests are not that unique that I can't find anyone out there who's similar, right? Instead, every person I run across on add-me communities or whatnot ends up resulting in either mutual indifference at the best, and it goes downhill from there.

For the two or three of you out there who will actually read this, I'm interested in your opinion. Do you actually read my entries out of inertia more than anything else? Do you think I'm generally too much of a jerkass? Too whiny? Too boring? Know any LJ friends you actually think I would get along with? Any suggestions? This might be a perfect time to actually use the LJ poll feature which I haven't dragged out of the closet in over a year or more. Frankly, I had forgotten it'd even existed until I started listing questions, and frankly, I can't imagine there are many people who will actually read this and then feel inclined to respond. Still, I'll give it a whirl and see.

In general, you feel my main problem (LJ-related) is:

I am too much of a jerkass
I am too whiny
I am too boring
I am too offensive
I post about crap no one cares about

If 'Other', my major fault is:

Where do I generall fall on the scale of Funny (0) to Jerkass (10)

Mean: 6.00 Median: 6 Std. Dev 1.41

I sometimes think it's maybe time to just stop blogging altogether. I'm not sure it does all that much good for me and is simply a form of whistling in the dark. I'm hardly sure I want these entries to stick around for posterity since they serve little purpose and I'm pretty sure I'll never want to go back and dig in the cesspool of memory past one day.
Tags: deep thoughts, lj-related, lonely, poll

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