In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
henwy

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The march to gencon starts once more

Event registration for gencon is less than a week away and, as is my penchant these past couple of years, I haven't done anything to prepare for it. When I first started going to the convention I micromanaged my events with the care given to pet projects by OCD suffering autistics. I would comb the event catalogue meticulously, listing events I was interested in as well as backup events and backup events for the backup events. All the information would be entered into neat little spreadsheets and starting from a couple moments before the system went live, I would start slamming the server with a dozen browser windows at once. Because the event registration sucked ass and would inevitably crash, there were years where I spent over 9 hours at my computer constantly hitting refresh, hoping to be among the first in when the system finally rebooted.

When all of this event registering was finally done I would have my masterpiece. A schedule of events for gencon timed to the minute and with entire days plotted so that each event was back to back with the next. This usually meant that I had something going from 8am in the morning until 2am at night most days. Considering my issues, though they weren't nearly as severe at first, you can imagine what it took for me to scramble from event to event, and all the other things like wound care that ate into what little sleep time I did have. I would push myself through based wholly on, what I now look back and recognize as, will and insanity.

This obsession has slowly faded over the years. I'm not sure what's responsible for it, or maybe the better way to put that is I'm not sure what's mainly responsible for the change. There's the fact that these conventions are no longer as new and exciting as they once were. They were a grand and unexpected adventure when I first started attending not quite a decade ago, but I've been to dozens of them since. I'm also simply not as involved in gaming as I used to be. I don't even attend local game days around here anymore nor have I actually bought or even put any real thought to board or card gaming with a few exceptions. Probably the best judge of the decline in interest is I haven't bought a board game for myself in at least a year and probably longer at this point.

In the years since, I've also turned more inward and have cut ties with what few links I had to the outside world and with friends there. It's not like I ever made friends very easily and I've never had deep bonds with many people. Certainly not to the point where many would notice nor really care. I'm not criticizing the people I know by any degree, since hardly something I'm very good at myself. It's just that I've never figured as a really significant part in the lives of many people and vice versa. In earlier times when I was getting to know so many people through these conventions, it seemed like maybe things would turn out different, but in the end it all returns to status quo.

Last year, I didn't even look at the event schedule and instead decided to just sleep through the whole thing and I don't feel any particular enthusiasm this time around either. It's not like I don't still have fun during events like gencon, it's only that there are now a few more negatives which balance out the joys. In darker moments, I can't help but think the whole thing is just an exercise like lighting a match in the darkness, and just as pointless in the end. Maybe the whole point isn't to curse the darkness but just embrace it and accept it for what it is.

Oh well.

I hadn't meant for this to end up being such a downer but I guess that was also probably inevitable.
Tags: board/card gaming, depression, gencon
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