In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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Another year older

So it's currently 19 minutes into my 35th year and so far things aren't exactly stunning. It's sort of depressing to think about but it's hard to remember exactly how long it's been since the current year has actually been better than the previous. The last that actually comes to mind might be 1999 when everything was actually looking up and hopes were high. Ever since then, it's been a downward spiral, slow at times but steady until the end. This past year has been especially brutal, which has been filled with pain and other issues. There were a couple of bright spots, but it's hard to recall a worse year and it looks like it has ever inclination of continuing to slide. Pain remains unpredictable though intense when it decides to pay a visit and the various pain meds can no longer be counted on to always be effective like they used to be.

I have an appointment with the pain doc in 6 days and I have to find some way to express just how badly things have gotten overall. I'm sure he's going to be hesitant to do anything since he only just increased my dosage by a third at the last appointment, but it's simply not keeping pace with the problems. I could tap into what's left of my stash and increase the dose on my own until it lasts but I face the terror of having no reserve to call on if things get even worse one day. I can't even imagine what that would be like though it gives me some insight into why some people might be driven to shooting up pharmacies to rob them of their drugs. Of course, most of the whackjobs who do that are just crackheads rather than those with legitimate medical issues. It just seems odd to me that addicts would go so far to score a fix yet you don't often see people with real chronic pain issues shooting drug dealers to raid them for drugs. Maybe that's the solution to the nation's drug problem. We should pass a law allowing those with documented and medically verified pain issues to hunt recreational drug users and dealers. It'd be sort of like a hunting license and for each one you bag you get to keep whatever opiates you find on them, but only for personal use. Sure it'd cause a lot of bloodshed on both sides but if you're dealing with pain issues bad enough for you to consider this sort of solution it seems like a win-win. Either way, the pain will stop.

Lets see, in other news I actually dragged myself out this past weekend despite my issues. My cousin's birthday is 5 days before mine and members of the family wanted to go out for lunch on Sunday as a sort of combo celebration. Normally, I would have passed but something unexpected happened that sort of forced my hand. My mom went out in the morning and when she returned she had a sort of present for me. I don't have a picture of it right now but I'll try to get something uploaded tomorrow. It was completely frivolous and completely out of character for her. I can't even remember the last time, if ever, she bought something like this for me. An item which has absolutely zero value but that she thought would make me happy. It was a real surprise in a family where practicality and thrift usually reign, especially for the little things. We don't even exchange birthday or Christmas gifts amongst ourselves after all. At least, we haven't since my sisters and I were all in our teens.

Anyway, the gesture actually goaded me to gird up my loins and brave the elements. Lunch was at a local chinese restaurant and went pretty spiffy overall with only moderate pain issues. There was also cake afterward at my grandmother's, though I was already feeling run down by then and passed. I know it doesn't sound like much but it's already more interaction and activity then I get in any typical week. Oh well. Pictures to follow when I get around to it.
Tags: birthdays, chronic pain, domo kun, drugs, family

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