I'll never really understand the driving forces behind my condition. Each time I go to the doctor the one question he's almost certain to ask is whether I've discovered anything which makes the pain better or worse (other than the drugs of course). It's something I've asked myself for close to a decade now. After all, if I knew what would cause a flare up, then I could try to avoid those variables and potentially live a happier life. I've had multiple theories over the years but each one has gotten knocked on its ass. I still remember the first time I really committed myself to losing weight and it was because of this search for pain relief. Some web sites had claimed that excess weight exacerbated the issues associated with my condition and by then I had already tried various herbal and tree-hugger bullshit to no avail. That first time around I ended up dropping over 50 pounds to no effect as far as pain went. To say I was pissed is an understatement. For the first time ever I had actually committed to a major life change that went beyond just popping additional pills or smearing on salves. Despite that, the situation never improved and if anything it continued to worsen. After I was pretty sure there was no effect I went on a retributive binge and within a month or two was at my pre-diet weight again.

Now, consider the last year or so. It's been a horrendous time in my life as far as pain and other health issues have been. This was especially true for the past half year where pain spiked and even increasing the dose of the meds had no effect. I was completely powerless to stop it with the tools I had and there was nothing, absolutely NOTHIING, that I could point to as a cause. In the past I had considered that cool weather might be better for me than warm, yet I experienced the worst spell during the winter months. I had also dropped a lot of weight in the interim so that even though it didn't have a positive effect last time, at least weight couldn't have been making it worse. I just had no answers and was at my wits end.

Then, all of a sudden things changed. It was like I stepped into a time machine and into a period from a year or two back. All of a sudden my meds are working again. I still have pain issues near the end of a cycle and it can be pretty awful, but the meds now have an effect. If I pop a percocet and wait a half hour or so, I can be pretty sure I'll be a much happier camper at the end. Compare that to just a month or so back when I could pop two or three and wait in agony for relief that never came.

And of course the worst part is I still have no clue what has caused the change. Why are thing so much better now and unbearably worse a month ago? That uncertainty might be the most unbearable part of this since it means that no amount of planning or preparation will ever make things better. In the end, I'm simply a victim at the whim of fate. Things are fine now and I guess I should make the most of it and enjoy it. Still, it's hard to be happy when you know at any minute the darkness can come without a warning and take it all away again. Who knows how long I have in this eye of the hurricane.