In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

  • Mood:

Pain to no purpose

Things are not going good. This entire day has been awful from the beginning and it doesn't seem like it's inclined to improve any. Right from the start my pills weren't lasting anywhere near as long as they should. The Oxycontin is time release and supposed to run for 12 hours, though it's never done that for me. Even from the beginning I could only expect around 8 hours of relief during the bad spells and my doctor began prescribing it that way. This morning, it was only 4 hours or so before the pain returned and I was forced to start taking booster doses. It's been that way all day and I feel like I'm trying to fight off a rising flood with sandbags. The problem is I only have a limited number of sandbags and the water manages to squeeze its way through regardless.

I have to admit I'm a little worried. The current amount of pain is very much like how it was a couple of months ago when things hit rock bottom. I can withstand a day or two like this but it starts to grind you down over time. Part of me says I should just dip deeper into the stash and pop pills like candy, but I always harbor that fear of running out one day. It's a no win situation where suffering is the only toll.

It's also times like this I start wishing that all of this pain had a purpose. If only there were some benefit that came out of it, it might be easier to bear. For example, if pain burned calories then I could at least think of my suffering as a lay-away plan for a giant ice cream sundae or something. If the pain somehow inspired me, and because of it I could create works of art I could have the satisfaction of creativity and maybe even financial gain. Hell, at this point I wish that I could use the pain to charge death rays from my eyes. It sounds only fair that if you have to suffer agony you might get some exchange rate for death rays, right? It doesn't even have to be a great exchange rate. I'd be willing to save over time for it. I'd take just about anything to give this pain some purpose. Instead it grinds on hour after hour and I know there is no point, there is no purpose and the only thing I know is it will continue on and on.
Tags: chronic pain, drugs

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