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I've been feeling pretty depressed these past few days. I'm not sure whether I should be surprised at that all things considered. Sometimes, looking back, it seems that it's a miracle that I'm not down more often then I am. Certainly there were many parts of my life where, looking forward, I was sure I would never make it to 30 much less be half way through the decade. Sometimes I can't figure out if self-delusion is a curse or one of the greatest blessings I will ever experience. There really is something to the idea that if you simply don't poke at it, it won't hurt anymore. Of course, no matter how benighted your cave, it's inevitable that a ray of light falls into it once and a while. Unlike most of Plato's men chained in darkness and watching dancing light reflected on the wall, I just hope that it goes away and brings back the soothing night.

The fact is that I've pretty much grown comfortable in the darkness. No dreams or aspirations and each day cycles like the last with no beginning and no end. Without a point of reference, you just float in nothingness and you never have to think the most poisonous words man has ever known: What if...If only... Those words rock the peaceful world of darkness, sending tremors that shake you from your delusion. Even the faintest light into a world of darkness is blinding, painful, and unwanted. I'm far beyond believing that the light can heal or bring me to something better. I only curse it now for showing me the desolation.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
jirel
Jul. 24th, 2011 07:10 pm (UTC)
{{hug}}

If I didn't have chemicals i'd be dead. Its been a close thing sometime even with chemicals. You have a good way with words and are very good at saying how you feel and getting your meaning across.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
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