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I feel fucking awful. The only way I could be any colder or wetter is if I got naked and rolled around in the snow. So how did it come to this when only a little while ago I was rejoicing at not having to go to the airport and being able to laze the day away? It started like this....

Just when I had gotten settled down the doorbell rang. I swore a few times, crawled out of my mound of blankets, put on some clothes, and trudged downstairs. I look out the window and see a buncha neighbor kids in the yard. Some of them had shovels and I figured they wanted to know if they could shovel the drive. Fuck them, I thought to myself and was about to turn around and trudge back upstairs when this is what I saw in the front yard.



Fuck! The three had split into three parts at its base. It was a goner and wasn't coming back to life unless God decided to send down spawn in treeform too. It gets even worse....the scene outside had turned into a nightmare. Every single tree on the block was cased in ice and bending like a geriatric senior citizen with scoliosis. At this rate, every single tree was going to come crashing down.

And so, I put on a jacket, armed myself with a broom, and went to do war. At first, I stupidity tried to venture out there with sandals only to have my entire foot sink into a snowdrift. It took me a while to find a pair of shoes and then I ventured out there again. This is what faced me.



Ever stand under a tree and whack at the snow and ice covered branches and leaves so that it fucking comes down on you like an avalanche no matter how you try to avoid it? I kept yelling 'FUCK!' to myself but apparently that wasn't the magic word. I worked my way around the tree, swinging my broom and swearing sulfuriously as snow and ice covered me. In addition to that big tree out in front, there are shit-tons of other trees on the property. If you count shrubs and bushes, I must've knocked the ice and snow off of around 25 pieces of greenery from apple trees to pear trees to god damn evergreens which showered me with all sorts of leaves and crap in addition to ice.

While I was out there, branches on other trees in the neighborhood were splintering with audible cracks. I don't even know if what I did is enough to keep the big tree from falling since there's no way I could reach anything but the lowest branches. I found a stepladder out back but I don't think even I'm stupid enough to give that a try. I'm barely steady on my own feet and on the ground. I don't even want to think about on a ladder in ice and snow trying to swing a fucking broom.

When I finally got inside I was soaked. I'm going to have to rummage around the boxes and find another pair of pants and a shirt since there's almost no doubt I'll have to go out there again if the snow keeps accumulating. This sucks.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
jirel
Oct. 30th, 2011 02:46 pm (UTC)
So, for one day at least, you were a hero! Sure you aren't a druid? I'm sure all the trees worship you now. (but semi-serious about the hero bit. It was a good thing you did.)
henwy
Nov. 2nd, 2011 04:58 am (UTC)
Not much of a hero. The most important tree had already split and just a few hours after I went out there, everything stopped and started to melt. Nothing else major went down on the street so it's not evne like I could point to some disaster and say I adverted it from happening to us.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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