In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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Big wheel keep on turnin'

'When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you. You walk around ashamed of being yourself. You try hard to make up for the way you look, walk, feel. Decisions are agonizing because if you, the person who makes the decision, is damaged, then how can you trust what you decide?'
-Geneen Roth

There's something really profound in that quote. I was say, though, that it's even worse when you do know. It must be terrible to run into terrible outcomes and only suspect that you're the cause but far more terrible to take away that uncertainty and to know that you're broken and there's no one else to blame. As someone else has pointed out....the only commonality in all your dysfunctional relationships is you.

Sometimes I watch reality tv like Hell's Kitchen and if I'm in a melancholy mood, it's always with wonder and a bit of envy. I see individuals who are so sure of their own greatness, who wear their overweening ego on their sleeves despite anything that other people throw at them or even reality itself. They never question or doubt and any failure is always someone else's fault. It's like they've somehow managed to weaponize their own self-esteem into a narcissism that both shields and strikes. I wish
I knew how that was possible. How to quiet the voices in your head which only tear you down and there's no defense because you know they're right.

It may seem sort of unexpected, but I'm a person who believes in the wisdom of the crowds. No one owes you anything. If many people love you, then there is something within you that is worthy of that love. The same goes if you receive hate, or perhaps even worse, complete indifference. We all get what we deserve in the end and there's no point to blaming others or blaming fate. In the end, it's all you. You can try to avoid it or you can try to bluster, but when the night is silent and there's nowhere else to hide, you always know that it's because you're broken. You were never good enough and never will be. It's only the faintest blessing that you hope others can only skim the surface rather than seeing the full depths. Roll it up in shame and hide it away where no one will ever see, but you can't hide something and not know exactly where it is. You cannot hide from yourself.

So that's all pretty pathetic. What else has been going on.... Well, the convention was fine even though I didn't do much other than run two games and then sit around. It was sort of nice to interact with more people and everyone seemed to enjoy the Starfinder games. I also relaxed the diet somewhat and ate a little more than I probably should have. The bane of my existence will always be free food. I simply can't help myself, though I managed to not eat most of it. This didn't stop me from taking it though.....I ended up packing away something like 30 dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets over the course of a couple days in tuperware along with a hamburger, and an egg and sausage english muffin. All of it then got fed to Ally and Katie, so none of it went to waste. I did unwind enough to let myself eat some breakfast in the mornings and then some of the french fries dipped in mustard on Saturday and Sunday after making sure I ate nothing Friday. I was a little worried about whether that would halt progress, but it looks like the weight continues to slowly drop. Another 5 pounds or so and I should be down around 50 overall. I should easily cross that line in the two weeks I have left and then we'll see how well willpower holds when I'm not at home.
Tags: depression, diet, willpower

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