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'Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore.'

Well, the kidney biopsy report was pretty unequivocal. It was filled with all sorts of medical jargon but I can pretty much sum it up in picture form.



The nephrologist thinks that I'll be in full kidney failure within a year. GFR is continuing to drop and at this point dialysis is inevitable. There doesn't seem to be any treatments or interventions she's willing to prescribe, so it's just twiddle my thumbs and wait for the end. She said that at this point I'm under the 20 GFR cutoff for getting an evaluation to see if being added to the transplant list is even a possibility. Considering that the wait time is 3-5 years on average, the odds are pretty non-existant that the kidney will last that long. It turns out that if you do go on dialysis, the chances of a good outcome drops, and continues to fall the longer you stay on dialysis. Almost all of the kidneys that do become available are post mortem which also makes the outcomes more problematic. I guess either way it's a race against the devil. There's always a chance for a living donor, but if you don't match with family it's probably a fool's errand.

I mean, just look at this....

This man is using a Times Square billboard to find a kidney donor

If this is the lengths that people are going to and only wrangle up 8 potential volunteers, it's just this side of pointless. The odds that a stranger will match is around 1 in 100,000. You have a 100x better chance of dying in a house fire within the next year or are twice as likely to be attacked by a shark.

*sigh*

Is all of this even really worth it? It's not like I was really doing anything all that valuable with this life and it's been a rocky past 20 years or so. To go through this whole process now is hardly an appealing choice. It's sort of amazing looking back on all the surgeries, the pain, the suffering to end up at this point and still find out that the light at the end of the tunnel was just the oncoming train. I'm all of a sudden reminded of that old adage....

'Death is just Nature's way of telling you to slow down.'

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
runninggirl
Sep. 27th, 2018 06:41 pm (UTC)
Hi
Hey there, not sure if you remember me - I know it's been awhile.

I was goofing off reliving the past of a blog I hadn't used in a while and came across your entry.

"Is all of this even really worth it? It's not like I was really doing anything all that valuable with this life ..."

If I may, I'd like to point out that our lives have a huge value that we may never comprehend. It's kind of like looking at something that is so close to you that you can't focus on it, you can't see it.

You're here, and everything you've done up to this point matters. It matters to a bunch of people, and it mattered to me today when I walked down a memory lane and rediscovered this blog.

I wish I had words of comfort for you. I wish I could empathize with your pain. But I'm here, you're here, and you matter.
henwy
Sep. 28th, 2018 02:56 am (UTC)
Re: Hi
Yes, I remember you (though I admit I had to think and ponder for a bit) and it's nice to see that someone else has occasionally popped back to LJ even if it's only to see if the lights still turn on. It seems that almost everyone has moved on to other things.

I appreciate the sentiment too though I'm not sure that an objective evaluation would agree. Maybe we all just see our own faults they seem larger, but I think by most any standard it hasn't been a success. Still, I'm glad to see that things are going well for you. In the end, it's only if you can look in the mirror and be happy with who you are and where you are. It seems you've managed that and I'm glad for you.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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