In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

Not with a bang but a whimper

'But if there must be an end, let it be loud. Let it be bloody. Better to burn than to wither away in the dark.'

-Mike Mignola

Once upon a time that is probably how I would have felt. Anger and resentment, rage and fury. Now I'm just tired and resigned. Maybe it's yet another of the basket of symptoms that are supposed to be cropping up but who can tell the difference.

The nephro (ever notice that it sounds like necro?) called and said my creatinine levels are shooting up. They've risen a full point in the past month and if they keep rising at that rate I won't make it 6 months before the kidneys fail completely. That's even assuming the speed doesn't increase near the end. My potassium levels were also high despite eating so minimally these past several weeks. It's possible that the one drug she prescribed was worsening the rise so it's been discontinued and I'm just back to what I was taking before I saw her. There are no treatment plans or interventions and it's just a matter of tracking the end.

I'll have to make some choices soon and it clearly won't be pleasant. I really didn't want to start dialysis but I'm not sure if that's just the depression talking. I think about the whole of my life and part of me wonders if this couldn't be a sort of blessing in disguuse. There are many worse ways to go and death by kidney fsilure is said to be peaceful. As the poisons build up in your body you simply drift off and it's easy peasy. Quick too since it only takes a few days to a week or so.

It's not like I haven't thought about taking my own life countless times over the years but there were always fears. What if I didn't have the courage to pull the trigger? What if I missed or jerked at the last minute and only managed to make life that much worse or unbearable. Even drugs weren't to be trusted considering all the things that could go wrong. Well, at least now I would have a way out better than almost anything I could have expected.

Just as I was trying to reconcile myself to the idea, I ran across this article.

In the meantime, patients and their caregivers should be fully informed of the myriad symptoms that may ensue as uremia worsens and they should be counseled that a “peaceful death” may never materialize.

*sigh* Even this has to taken away from me. I don't want to be any more of a burden than I already am. I certainly don't want to see money and resources poured into this when my karmic debt already overflows when it comes to family.
Tags: kidney failure, suicide

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