In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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Let it go...

'I thought I'd reached the bottom a few times, but then I'd realise there was another 30 floors of despair below that.'
-Trent Reznor

Everything I've been reading about the transplant list honestly just makes me think that perhaps it's the better part of valor to just give up. Every step is another hurdle, behind ever door another horror. I'm starting to really believe that if I had the courage, the best solution is an early exit bypassing everything. The sharpest knife cuts cleanest. I just can't see getting everyone's hopes up with all these transplant lists when trying to persue it will do nothing but spend resources I don't have. My family would be willing to pay it in time and angst and tears, but haven't I been enough of a load my entire life? Does it have to go on even now so I can help leech from the future of others? How is that worth it? People have been kind, but I don't think judged on any objective standard my life has amounted to much of anything. I might have suffered the most, but I've managed to drag people in the wake of my disease as well. Even if it's the fear, the worry, the sacrifice of dreams and expectations it was all a weight and I bear the guilt of it. This was never a life worth living. It sort of figures that the one and rarest lottery I'll have ever won, the very fact of existing would turn to ashes in my mouth and coat those around me in its filth.

And they'll want to help too. They'll want to list me on these transplant lists. They'll want me to get all the tests and doctors and whatnot but I can't let them all go through that. It would be insane. The quintessential case of throwing good money after bad. I've already had more blessings than I probably deserve and you can't keep taking from other people. And even if it's not about them, I can't get my own hopes up that things will get any better because every single time I've believed that, it's turned to sackcloth and ashes. If nothing else, I could know that I at least tried to do what was right.
Tags: kidney failure, transplant

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