In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
henwy

  • Mood:

Let it go...

'I thought I'd reached the bottom a few times, but then I'd realise there was another 30 floors of despair below that.'
-Trent Reznor

Everything I've been reading about the transplant list honestly just makes me think that perhaps it's the better part of valor to just give up. Every step is another hurdle, behind ever door another horror. I'm starting to really believe that if I had the courage, the best solution is an early exit bypassing everything. The sharpest knife cuts cleanest. I just can't see getting everyone's hopes up with all these transplant lists when trying to persue it will do nothing but spend resources I don't have. My family would be willing to pay it in time and angst and tears, but haven't I been enough of a load my entire life? Does it have to go on even now so I can help leech from the future of others? How is that worth it? People have been kind, but I don't think judged on any objective standard my life has amounted to much of anything. I might have suffered the most, but I've managed to drag people in the wake of my disease as well. Even if it's the fear, the worry, the sacrifice of dreams and expectations it was all a weight and I bear the guilt of it. This was never a life worth living. It sort of figures that the one and rarest lottery I'll have ever won, the very fact of existing would turn to ashes in my mouth and coat those around me in its filth.

And they'll want to help too. They'll want to list me on these transplant lists. They'll want me to get all the tests and doctors and whatnot but I can't let them all go through that. It would be insane. The quintessential case of throwing good money after bad. I've already had more blessings than I probably deserve and you can't keep taking from other people. And even if it's not about them, I can't get my own hopes up that things will get any better because every single time I've believed that, it's turned to sackcloth and ashes. If nothing else, I could know that I at least tried to do what was right.
Tags: kidney failure, transplant
Subscribe

  • Origins Game Fair 2016: Day 5

    I don't know why it always takes so long to jot down con recaps but I'm going to finish this one and get the Dexcon ones up in the next couple days.…

  • Origins Game Fair 2016: Day 4

    Friday night ended up being the best night of sleep I had gotten the entire con up to that point. I'm not sure if it was just the booze or the…

  • Origins Game Fair 2016: Day 3

    I mentioned before that the nadir of Origins was probably around 4-5 years ago. The exhibit hall was a ghost town, vendors had fled, and it didn't…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 0 comments