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Drop the weight, less to hate

'I have a sense that God is unfair and preferentially punishes his weak, his dumb, his fat, his lazy. I believe he takes more pleasure in his perfect creatures, and cheers them on like a brainless dad as they run roughshod over the rest of us. He gives us a need for love, and no way to get any. He gives us a desire to be liked, and personal attributes that make us utterly unlikable. Having placed his flawed and needy children in a world of exacting specifications, he deducts the difference between what we have and what we need from our hearts and our self-esteem and our mental health.'

-George Saunders

I've broken down past the 300 pound barrier and according to the scale this morning am somewhere around 298. I think what I should be saying is that it's been difficult  or getting harder but it seems to be just chugging along. It's surprisingly easy to just not eat, and you really do get used to it. I'm starting to get an appreciation for some of what I've seen anorexics post online, whereas before it seemed just insane ramblings from the calorically starved. There's a power and a locus of control in it that's something to cling to even when the whirlwind spins around you. Maybe, if you really work at it, you can get so small that you even disappear.

I'm sure it seems ridiculous even thinking about it or speculating on the future when at this point I still weigh more than two normally sized people but maybe I'll get to at least die while at a 'normal' size. I'm not sure I've ever not been overweight to at least some degree. I'm sure it won't make any real functional difference in things at this point...the die is cast, the stage is set, but if you can spend a life feeding your unhappiness, maybe you can starve it too.

Roly-poly, roly-poly, down, down, down
Roly-poly, roly-poly, in, in, in....



domo costume
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
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