In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

And the band played on...

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
-Rodney Dangerfield

It's been a month of ups and downs, but predominantly downs. The weight loss has slowed significantly though I'm still currently at the lowest point in this journey thus far. I just weighed myself this morning and the scale read 282.5. That basically means I'm down 70 pounds and change since this whole thing began. I guess that's sort of impressive given that it's only been around 10 weeks. Of course, what is sort of disheartening is that the vast majority of that weight loss was in that first month. Ever since then, it's been a slow crawl downwards at a rate of about 2-3 pounds a week. I know that's probably what is considered 'normal' and would even be recommended by doctors and nutritionists, but it still feels like a bit of a failure when you consider how much effort has to go to maintain that rate. Even now, my average calorie intake per day is certainly under 1k and while there are some fluxations, I think I can maintain that for the time being.

One of the main reasons I started this weight loss attempt was that I knew that many doctors wouldn't go through with a transplant unless the patient's BMI was around 35. For my height, that put my goal at around 265 pounds, still almost 20 pounds from where I'm sitting now. I knew that no transplant was going to be avaliable for years, but I felt I had to do something and this was one of the few things that was acutally in my control. The funny thing is the nutritionist I saw at Barnabus a few days ago told me that she feels I'm already within the zone that they'd feel comfortable transplanting at. She actually encouraged me to simply maintain my weight which according to her calculations would involve eating 2600 calories daily. That is sheer insanity when even at the level I'm at, my potassium is borderline high. I'm not even sure how I could eat 3-4 times what I do currently and not end up giving myself potassium levels which would induce a heart attack/instant death. Just about everything has some levels of potassium in it. Well, I guess I could eat a loaf of wonderbread a day or maybe eat a bag of sugar. Somehow, that feels like it'd be a terrible idea.

I find myself thinking a lot about a couple years ago when Lori Martin posted on facebook about going on one of those diet programs where you basically gamble that you'll lose weight. You pay some up front cost and then have regularly scheduled weigh-ins at a doctor's office to track your progress. I don't recall if you were actually competing against other people or if there was some set percentage of weight loss you had to achieve, but success would result in you 'winning' more money than what you wagered in the first place. I should really have signed up for something like that before I started this whole process. i think it would make me feel better in the long run if I could have found some way to monetize my suffering.

There's a belt that's been in my closet for years that I haven't been able to use because it was too small. Frankly, I don't even remember when I last used it since I'm not exactly a belt person to begin with but I gave it a whirl for lack of other options the other day and I managed to squeeze into the second to last notch. I guess that's a tangible sign of progress.
Tags: diet, transplant

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