In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
henwy

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Loss the weight, the less to hate

You sometimes think you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found.
-Kid Cudi

So it looks like I hit another milestone in this whole weight loss endeavor. I stepped onto the scale today and I saw 259.0 staring back at me. I think I mentioned before that I don't think I'd ever been under 270 before, at least not in the past 25 years, so this is really uncharted territory. I guess the odd thing about it all is that it's not really getting harder as it goes, just slower. I'm sure the depression is helping out with things, but I just don't have much of an appetite really. I almost feel like that entire part of me is just locked away and hibernating somewhere. It might actually take less effort to just stop eating altogether, but I'm trying to make sure that I get some caloric intake so I don't get a repeat of that situation where fasting for 8 days sent my cholesterol up to over 400 and likely accelerated the kidney damage. That said, I feel like someone told to toss meat scrapes to a rabid wolverine each time I eat something, never sure if this time it'll wake up and go for your throat. There's probably a very good reason they don't tell heroin users to just inject a little heroin each day.

All in all, I think my body is adjusting a lot faster to all of this than my mind is. If I tell myself to really listen, it seems to be content. We truly eat more out of habit than hunger, or at least I do, and it's those patterns and habits that will always be a problem. Always a need to have more, to fill a hole which never seems to reach the top.

It's funny really. One of the things I find myself doing whenever I'm lying in bed on my back or my side is I trace my ribs with my fingers. I mean, I always knew I had ribs but they were under a multitude of layers of fat. It's not like you can see them even now, but I can feel them as I run my fingers along them. It feels like a ridiculous sort of thing to do but it always fills me with a sense of wonder. Does that little nub that juts out at the bottom of your sternum have a name? I always feel like I should name him as he and the ribs connected to him become more prominent over time. Maybe that's just the sense of lonliness talking.

Anyway, things seem to be moving along. I know that at any point this could all still implode under its own weight and pressure and go sliding downhill once more but at the moment things seem good. It would be another 32 pounds or thereabouts before I got to a point where the BMI chart would simply label me as overweight so it certainly seems a bit early for any real celebration.
Tags: depression, diet, weight loss
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