In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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The Tao of Pooh

The hospice area of the hospital is very nice. Instead of your customary hospital decor, they've managed to make it look like a hotel. The transition is a little disturbing at first since it's as if you've stepped into a portal into a completely different area, and if you've seen enough thriller or horror movies, you know that's often a danger signal that something's not going to go well very soon. So one minute it's a hospital with linolium floors, white track lighting, whitewashed walls and the next it's carpeting and wallpaper and yellow lamps on the walls. In the area there's even a library with assorted books and video tapes for the families there. I stayed overnight yesterday with my mom and sisters with my grandfather and I ended up taking the nightshift, keeping awake for most of the night. The only thing of note was that his breathing got more ragged at one point where he would take 2-3 breaths in a row and then stop for around 15 seconds before starting again. The first time it happened it scared the hell out of me, since I had just been inching my head toward his nose/mouth trying to see if I could still feel air moving when he spasmatically inhaled again. This pattern continued for quite a while and I wasn't sure if it was a sign that the end was close. I spoke with the nurse on staff and she wasn't any more clued in than I about an ETD. I decided not to wake anyone else and spent my time in the room keeping watch and with a book I had snagged from the library, the tao of pooh.

I like winnie the pooh. Eeyore is my favorite character and I even have a stuffed doll back in chicago sitting on top of the tv of him. I had ran across the tao of pooh years ago and had always meant to get around to reading it but had never had the oppertunity. I was looking for something interesting and perhaps even perfound and what I found was arrogant self-righteous bullshit. I was ecspecially offended with how the author seemed intent on bashing knowledge and scientists as people who know nothing while elevating ignorance (if not outright idiocy) to some sort of zen art form. Given half the chance I'd like to kick the crap out of this sob since I can't help wondering if he's contributing to the number of fucking morons I tend to meet who embrace their own idiocy as if it were a gift. I'm reminded of ze'ev's posts on the boards right now in context with this idea, as if we're supposed to applaud the fact that he's a fucking moron. Him and people like him are simply spontaneous abortions waiting to happen and I can only hope that it comes quickly. Suffice to say I did not finish reading the Tao of Pooh and I can only hope that the next time the author needs a doctor to heal him, or a lawyer to defend him, or a scientist to make his life better they just tell him to fuck off and ask a retard to help instead.

As of this note, my grandfather is still holding on, clinging with a tenacity to life that seems at the same time admirable and heart wrenching. All hope has long since fled and you can't help but wonder what's the point now. I wish he would just let go, but I can't begin to figure out if that desire is born out of a selfishness for how his condition makes me and the rest of my family feel or for altruistic reasons and his sake. He hasn't regained consciousness at any point for days now, since entering hospice and it's only on gasping breath to the next that keeps him with us. My family are buddhists and they've spent a lot of time chanting prayers and discussing what they think is holding him back. My grandmother thinks it's because he's always held family so tightly that now that we're all here, he simply can't let go. That he's actually happy to hear all of us in the room, all his children and some of his grandchildren that he dosen't want to move on. His only regret being that he can't participate in our interactions.

The day that I arrived here in jersey, the very morning, he was in poor shape. His breathing had become very raggad and the hospice nurses had told th family they didn't think he'd make it through the morning much less the day. My plane had just touched down and everyone wanted him to know I was there that they repeatedly told him to hold that, that I would be there soon. They believe that he did cling to life so that I could be there and now it's a death grip that no one seems to be able to lossen. There's a good chunk of guilt involved if he really did hold on just so that I could arrive. The hospice nurses claimed that it was an honor if he had really responded to their words and climbed his way back up simply for me, but the price is far to high.

I was supposed to leave tuesday to go back to chicago but I might just extend this trip until th end of the week. There's nothing that I desperatly need to do at the lab that couldn't wait until I got back and it's nice to be home, even with the current circumstances. The dogs all seemed prtty happy to see me which is always nice and I should be getting my digital camera mailed here in a couple more days. I just bought a cannon powershot G3 and had it shipped to jersey because it would have been an extra 28 dollars or so in tax if it went ot chicago. It seemd that due to slow ordere processing I was going to miss receiving it (it's due to arrive thursday) but if I extend the trip I can actually bring it back to chicago with me. It seems that no one here has a camera of any sort as far as I can see and it might be nice to have a few pictures.

Nah-mo Ah-mi-to-fo. But more on that later.

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