In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

State of the psyche

I know nothing and my heart aches.
-Fernando Pessoa

Things have generally been relatively stable in my life the past couple months. Everything has settled down and I've generally come to accept the new normal. Now that the slew of doctors appointments and tests and everything else is over, there's nothing left but the long wait. There's something else that hasn't gone away though and its the hollowness I still feel inside. I know with my luck that ache in my chest will probably turn out to be some new and heinous medical snafu, but I think it's more existential pain than anything physical. I feel more lost and lonely than I have at any point in years. Maybe it was all the turmoil over the kidney situation that scoured all the barriers away, and in the aftermath the scar tissue hasn't yet had a chance to regrow. All I know is I feel it, the ache inside, and if there are tools to fix it, it's not something I have at hand. I've always felt a sort of emotional fragility, but it's something you can try to paper over with defenses and bluster. Sometimes you even forget it's there, but then the ground suddenly moves beneath your feet and everything trembles. I can't help but wonder sometimes if I was just put together wrong. I feel like I'm missing some piece, some vital key that other people seem to have. Maybe everyone feels this way, but if so, I really don't understand how they all manage to carry on so well.

So enough with the melancholy and drivel. Ruminating never fixed anything.

On the plus side, the diet seems to have continued apace. Things have slowed down quite a bit but I still feel progress is being made. I had gotten down as low as 246 or so while practically starving myself down in Orlando and there was the fairly predicatble rebound upon getting back home. Since then, I've managed to creep back down and I've crossed the 246 barrier again in a slow and steady manner. I hope that I'll be able to cross the next barrier within a month or so but I'm already in uncharted territory. The sad and humbling fact is that for all of this effort, it'll still be 20 pounds until I'm just considered 'Overweight' according to the BMI. And I guess that is the goal, as laughable as it seems. 20 pounds till I can cross out of Obese and become simply Overweight. Damning someone with faint praise indeed.

I think what I really need is to reach out more to people. It's not a skill I've ever had and I feel like a blind person fumbling with numb fingers. I've looked around for meetups or other events, but nothing seems to fit. Maybe I just need to find a new hobby of some sort.
Tags: overthinking, state of the psyche, weight loss

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded