In the darkness the trees are full of starlight (henwy) wrote,
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

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The Journey of a Thousand Miles....

'Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.'
-Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

I've been thinking a lot lately about change. It wouldn't be an inaccurate characterization to say that my life has been in sort of a standstill for the past decade and change. The last 9 months though have been turbulent and I can feel the world tremble under my feet. It hasn't all been good and what sparked the greatest change was the diagnosis of kidney disease and the eventual need for a transplant. Even if you weren't all that enamored with the idea of life, the spector of death is still a wakeup call of sorts. That one event also caused me to think about all the other things that had gradually changed in my life, many for the better. After around 8 or 9 surgical interventions, I'm now more functional than any point in the past couple of decades. I can still remember those times when I was so anemic and striken with chronic pain and mobility issues that simply staggering my way from one trash can to the next at Walt Disney World was a struggle. Even if those days of pain and exhaustion were terrible, they had the advantage of being familiar. I was pretty sure each morning upon waking up what the day would bring and that each day to come would pretty much be the same as the last. Now, things are changing and there's a lot of uncertainty.

I think that it wouldn't be a surprise to anyone who actually knows me to say that I have a lot of self-doubt. It's probably an unfortunate byproduct of too much introspection and the time to indulge in my own thoughts. Sometimes the worst companion you can have in your own head is yourself. Fear of rejection, lonliness, self-loathing, and all of that swirling around in a body trapped by pain and a mind given too much time to ruminate. I'm pretty sure it's not a healthy thing and no doubt caused several quite maladaptive personality quirks along the way. Still, what I think I can say is that I'm trying to be better, and that's the first step. I'm starting to think a lot more of the future, and what I want out of life. I had given up on the idea of most things when all the medical issues cropped up and had pretty much closed the door to hope. Honestly, it was probably the only thing I could have done at the time and still managed to keep sane and breathing. Now though....I don't know.

It's funny really. Most people do this sort of soul searching in their 20's, but my life sort of took a detour. All I'm really sure of at this point is that I have to start taking steps forward again. I'm sure it won't be easy but I've spent years standing still. I'm going to try my best to be the best person I can be, as assinine as that sounds, especially to my own cynical ears. I spoke with Curt about a lot of this while we were at Hollywood Studios and his take on things was to try to remain open to everything without ever hoping or wishing for any particular thing. I guess all I can do is try and see what happens.

Tags: life, ruminations

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