'Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.'
I was just about to go to bed, attemping to get to sleep at a more reasonable hour especially considering all the things I have to do tomorrow before the flight out to Orlando. It was then I realized that it was only a couple weeks until September and that it was right around this time that to borrow a phrase, 'my life got flipped turned upside down'. I took a look back through the Livejournal and discovered that today, August 20th, was the day I started the diet a year ago. It was almost like a dare back then as I had just gotten the kidney diagnosis and decided I just wasn't going to eat and see how long I could continue for. I think I ended up going for 11 days before all sorts of other issues popped up due to the fast(Including my cholesterol level going from normal to something in the 400's I believe). Still, it was the beginning of the whole journey and it's hard to believe that a whole year has passed. So what's the tally then? My weight yesterday was 230.0 (a nice round, auspicious number) which means that from my fattest point around a year ago, I'm down 120 pounds even. I'm not at the lowest point I've ever been and I'm hoping to drop at least another 20 pounds or so but I'm sure going down to Orlando will help with all the walking and exercise.
And how about everything else? The last blood tests seem to indicate there's at least some hope that the kidney decline has stabilized. It's the first blood test where my GFR hasn't gone down since December. It may be a false hope but all I can do at this point is wait and see. I was supposed to see the nephrologist this wednesday and see if the blood test she took confirmed what the primary care found. Since I changed my plans to fly down to Orlando early, I had to reschedule the appointment for 3 weeks from wednesday.
And how about emotional health? Well, I'm generally trying to keep a positive outlook. It's not easy and I think that all those years dealing with chronic pain, illness, and social stigma issues really took a toll that I'm sure I'll never fully escape from. I'm not sure I really know how to really reach out to people though I give it my best shot. My head is generally filled with doubts and fears and I'm sure that in this, I'm my own worst enemy. Still, I am trying. It might seem meager or slipshod but we all try to do the best that we can.
So all in all, I guess there's reasons to be hopeful. Hope is not generally an emotion that I'm all that comfortable with. I remember thinking years ago during the darkest times how I would tell people that Hope Kills. When you have hope, it gives you expectations and dreams. When those dreams crash and burn on the rocks of what is, and not simply what we wish to be....well, sometimes you go with it. Better to accept what is right in front of you and never hope for anything.