'I think all diets are kind of weird. The word 'die' is in it.'
Well, it took me a week but I finally got down past the Orlando low as far as weight goes. Whenever I come back from one of the trips down there I always gain a few pounds until I can put myself back onto some sort of disciplined schedule and things start dropping again. I'm 218.6 right now, which is around a pound lower than I hit while at Disney World and I'm thinking I can try to get to 210 within the next few weeks. My doctors don't think I should drop any more weight though their concern is mostly from a nutritional standpoint. I'm probably already losing a lot of vitamins and minerals from the kidney issues and they're worried about eventual malnutrition. I figure I can have my PCP do a full blood workup sometime this week and see if it's time to start taking multivitamins or something.
I never really understood when people said that anorexia or cutting or other similar behaviors were all about a desire for control, but I can see it now. Well, not for cutting which is still baffling to me but there is a form of perverse pleasure in the restriction as far as a diet goes. Maybe in a world where so many things seem beyond our control, this is at least one area in which you can make your will manifest. I don't think I'm in any real danger of going pathological on this and it's more like cresting a hill and finally being able to see the valley beyond that people spoke of but you never believed existed. I'm sure this is all wrapped up in plenty of other psychological pit traps, mostly involving issues of self-esteem and self-loathing, but I'm trying what I can, to work on what I can. No one ever said it would be easy and baby steps are still steps.
Honestly, I'm never sure it's actually a good idea to be as frank as I often am in these entries. I'm pretty sure this tendancy for oversharing started as a small cry for help, an attempt to just yell out into the void. I'm sure it's probably doing me no favors at this point letting people see what's often roiling around in my head. Even then, it's probably only the smaller pieces since I'm not sure I've ever felt secure enough in a place to actually just let it all go. In the end, we all wish we could find acceptance, and perhaps the hardest place is in our own eyes.